christmas movies & a revelation

I made a top sports movie list a few months ago and have decided to list all of the Christmas movies I have watched and will watch this season . . . they just make my heart smile. I'm going to list them in viewing order, not necessarily from best to worst.

1. Charlie Brown Christmas - such a good message from a simple cartoon :)

2. Elf - had not seen this one for a while so I laughed like it was the first time I had seen it.

3. Four Christmases - we were not paying attention when we first started it and turned it off, on the second try we laughed a lot and enjoyed it . . . it's kind of what I go through at Christmas

4. The Grinch Who Stole Christmas - love the message of this one too and I love all the one-liners!

5. Santa Claus The Movie - most people have never seen this, but it's a classic and I love it.

6. White Christmas - another classic, which everyone should watch!

7. A Very Brady Christmas - I don't get to watch this every year, but I absolutely love it. A great story of family and all the original Brady children.

8. The Holiday - one of the best chick flicks ever!

9. Love Actually - such great stories minus the affair

10. Christmas Vacation - who doesn't laugh watching this movie?

11. A Christmas Story - such a classic . . . can never be overplayed

That will probably be all the movies I get to watch. Watching all of them have reminded me that even though my family is frustrating and I sometimes get overlooked, I am so blessed to have so much family. There are so many people out there who want more than anything to be with family during the holidays and they do not have that luxury. No matter what happens I will do my best to try and not take my family for granted during the next week and the coming year. I love them very much and am so grateful for each and every relative.

dysfunction!

After church on Sunday, which was titled Ready or Not, focusing on how to really be ready for the message of Christmas . . . I was actually feeling ready. Then I got a phone call which reminded me of the wonderful dysfunctional family I get to go home to . . . TWICE!

My dad calls out of the blue so something is either wrong and he needs something. Luckily there was no tragedy, but he did inform me that our Christmas gathering is now on Christmas day instead of the 26th, which my grandma had indicated just two days prior. I had already planned out my day and was very much looking forward to it. Now because of my brother, which the world seems to revolve around because he has kids, but doesn't put in much effort to being around family, we are now getting together Christmas day. To top it all off, when I get to tell my mom this wonderful news she will probably make me feel bad about it even though I had nothing to do with it! Why is it that the single ones in the family are the last to know anything and just have to adjust to everyone else's schedule? This happens every year so I don't know why I continue to be surprised or upset about it, but it is so darn frustrating!!! Whenever this happens I throw in Christmas with the Kranks and envision myself on a tropical island with a hot guy and a tasty beverage by my side. :)

I do love my family, but I do long for the day when my husband and I get to make our own traditions and can really make Jesus the center of Christmas. I feel like that is lost and that's what makes me the most sad. I will hunker down and have a positive attitude and pray that God fills me with love to share with everyone despite the fact that I get to be thrown around from gathering to gathering. Oh, tis the season . . .

tv good-byes

So it's not a secret that I am a sap, but more often than not the things that get me the most are TV finales or good-byes. This morning was no different when Diane Sawyer had her last day on Good Morning America. Chris Cuomo, who I love, is also moving on. I had to watch at work and luckily it was slow so I get just sit there and enjoy all the recaps and memories they shared. I tried not to start balling in front of everyone, but the eyes did tear up. I absolutely love morning TV and feel like they are my friends, especially since I got to see them in person this summer.

I always tell people I grew up on TV and it's just something familiar and comfortable for me. The shows I watch just suck me right in, so when someone dies or moves on it's like they are leave me. Anytime I see the Cosby finale or the Friends finale, you will find a balling mess on the couch.

I know it's not the best hobby and I have gotten better at turning the TV off, but I'll always have those shows that get and connect with me. I'm sure the new people on GMA will do just fine, but it'll be sad to see the change.

how does the story end?

I know I shouldn't read Karen's blog before I write my own because she quoted the same song! :) Oh well . . . it's one that speaks right to my heart.

Back to the beginning . . . I have been running like a mad woman this week. Not for any race, but away from God. I got a very sad answer to a huge prayer of mine at the beginning of the week. I grieve for a short time and then just started running. I did not get into the word, did not pray that much, and just tried to avoid the feeling of my broken heart. Then at church this morning, I realized just how badly my heart hurts and how hard it was to sing praises to my God. Then I just got angry at myself because I was having trouble worshipping because God didn't give me what I want. Really? That's not what God is there for and not why we should praise him. He is an incredible God who deserves incredible praise . . . words I could not muster out of my mouth this morning.

So, needless to say I'm trying to figure out how I feel and muster up the courage to continue to have faith in God and his knowledge of how my story ends. It's like the pages in the book of my life are glued together, which is probably a good thing because I need to treasure this part of the story and not pass up the opportunity to foster relationships and spread the love of Jesus to others. Oh praise the Lord for his incredible mercy because I need it so much.

I guess I'm going to start praying for God to give me a new dream, which is really scary because my current dream did not come through. Here's to hoping that God will put something in my heart that I can pursue and have a new passion for. I know He's looking out for me and I love him for loving me.

P.S. The song I mentioned is by Francesca Battistelli who I get to see in concert on Tuesday. :)

who would've thought???

I tend to live with the belief that bad things won't happen to me. This was enforced when our friend who lives 4 blocks away had her house broken into. The thought never crossed my mind that it could happen to us . . . well it did! While I was on vacation and Karen was at her parents our house was broken into . . . ugh! They first tried to get in through my room, but were unsuccessful after ripping both screens. They then proceded to attempt through Karen's room and this time got in despite the locks we had on the windows. They stole a number of items, including our TV, Wii, iPods, camera, and jewelry among other miscellaneous items. After living through this week with our normal "stuff," I am realizing that all they really took was just stuff that we can live without. Don't get me wrong, we're going to buy new things soon, but the robbery was more about these people violating our home. To know that complete strangers were rummaging through our personal belongings just sickens me. I have been encouraged by the fact that our burglars were probably quite young and extremely stupid. They took my old jewelry that I never wear and left our TV remote. Needless to say I hope this never happens again, but I'm kind of looking forward to some good shopping to replace our things.

divine providence

I went out on a limb and joined a Beth Moore bible study at church this fall. Despite being the only non-mom in the group I am loving it. Everyone said I would and they were right. We are studying the book of Esther and it has been amazing how the themes from that book are lining up with my life. One of the major themes in the book is divine providence . . . the most famous verse "Who knows but that you were put in this place for such a time as this?" It is making me question so much about my own life and God's divine providence for my future, which I'm still praying about everyday. I won't go into all of that now, but it's just been so cool to look back on life and see God's amazing timing in my life and to see him continue to put me in situations where I can apply His word that I'm studying at the moment. He is so good!

homecoming

Now that I live in Michigan it's a little harder for me to get home for various events. This weekend I had kept free because I was hoping my high school volleyball team would make it to the state finals. They did indeed make it to the final four and won their morning match and finished as State Runners-Up. I was so proud to witness the accomplishment!

Going home is always a little awkward, but I got to visit with some great people. I did, however, have to answer the "So are you dating anyone?" question a few times, though, which is always annoying. Most people are great about it and understand that it's just not the right time for me and that it's okay to enjoy single time while it's here. One person, though, made me feel like crap for not being married. Really? Not everyone finds their soulmate in high school, gets married and starts having babies right away. If that works for you, great, but don't make someone else feel bad for living a different life. Ugh, it just turned me off and put me in a sour mood. Luckily, as I was doing my bible study tonight I was reminded that God is watching over the ticking clock above me. He is in complete control. It'll happen when it happens. In the meantime I'm going to enjoy my current life circumstances and work on loving God and others with all I have and focusing on things above . . . something I'm finding hard to do as I work on my Christmas list.

here we go

About 2 months ago I made a commitment to get my health and fitness back on track after my "fat summer." I take this whole concept kind of seriously given my profession, but have also been trying to overcome some of my bad eating habits that I have dealt with most of my life. Basically I like food, but there are days and moments where it goes to the extreme and I can't stop eating.

Anywho, I had a great 3 weeks of working out and eating well. Then I got sick and tried to stay on track with working out, but all of my bad eating habits started rearing their ugly head. I did get to the point where I lost 5 pounds, but after our housewarming party last weekend gained 3 of them back. I doubt I'll get back on the scale this week after all the Halloween candy I ate this weekend.

These goals that I have set for myself are not about being skinny or beautiful because I know that I am beautiful. It's more about being healthy and fit and quicker and having control over my actions. I was empowered by a verse last week in my Beth Moore bible study on Esther. It's Deuteronomy 33:25 and is a prayer that God will make my gates as strong as iron and bronze and that my strength might last all of my days. I cannot fight this battle on my own . . . but with God's strength and power I just might be able to overcome these temptations that lie ahead of me. Halloween was already a disaster with Thanksgiving & Christmas right around the corner. Like I said I AM trying to lose some pounds, but not to be happier. I want to prove I can do it because I try to help others do it everyday. So Monday is a new start and I will follow the same guidelines I give to my clients . . . take it one meal, one day at a time. Here goes nothing . . .

mountain tops

Last week we discussed in our small group the moments in our life when we "got it." By got it, we were talking about God's crazy love for us. I had been able to think about this for a few weeks and came to the realization that God has shown me this concept a number of times . . . don't know if I'm just dense or if that's normal for one's spiritual walk to be a continual flow of mountain top experiences. With each one . . . I get it a little more and my love for Jesus just increases. It was fun, though, to think back on these experiences and to express my gratitude to God for his amazing gift of his son Jesus.

*Numerous summers at Quaker Haven church camp where I experienced real Christian fellowship and God answered a prayer of mine for the first time.

*Experiencing true worship for the first time at the Aquire the Fire conference in high school.

*The Shane & Shane concert at Cornerstone my freshmen year when God showed up in a big way . . . impromptu worship like that was very new for me, but so incredible!

*A hike in South Africa meditating on Jesus' command to get out of the boat . . . another impromptu moment, which was huge for our group.

Reflecting on my spiritual journey is an awesome experience for me. My memory is fairly good, but long-term is not as strong. All of these memories are not always prevalent, but when I take the time to reflect and let God bring these experiences to me . . . it just fills my heart with gratitude for those times when God gave me a swift kick in the butt and said don't you get it . . . I love YOU! And he does and I feel it everyday. I'm grateful for this time of learning how to better love him back with my whole heart!

quick words

The craziness of life is upon me, but even in the midst of work, prep for housewarming, and club vb starting God has been speaking so loudly and clearly to me. I am so grateful for what he is doing in my life . . . the thing that is frustrating is that I don't have enough time to just sit and reflect on his words. I wanted to note a few quick reflections that I hope to expand on soon.

*I'm working on balancing a healthy fear of God with returning his unconditional love for me.

*I want to speak/respond to God like I would a friend and I want to respond to my friends like that . . . not just sharing about me even though that's all I want sometimes and no one asks.

*God's love for us is so incredibly awesome . . . and he wants us to love him in the same way . . . WOW!

*When I look at my to do list I find myself constantly saying "I can do this." I cannot do anything, though, God is in control of all things . . . not me.

*We cannot run from our history, it will forever be connected to our destiny. This is a hard one I am working through.

Ahhh, there's so much more. I'm just grateful that God wants to talk to me and wants my reciprocal love and has blessed me with incredible friends. Life is terribly hard at time, but God is good ALL THE TIME!

crazy love

A couple months ago I sat in a meeting preparing myself to let go of something that I love with my whole heart and that is a part of my soul. I was so sad to let go. That is a mark of my life . . . my passion and how I throw my whole self into the things I love. Some people avoid loving like that because they are afraid of the hurt if they lose what they love. I never thought I would take that attitude. That was until the other night when I was speaking with a friend and I made the comment that I was unsure of the future of our organization and I just don't feel like investing myself. Last night I thought of my comment and couldn't believe I said that. I was convicted while at a kickoff event for our new church wide study of a book called Crazy Love. It is an excellent book that is centered on the reciprocation of the amazing, crazy love God showed for us by sacrificing his Son to forgive our sins and promise us eternal life. That is a huge investment in sinful people that constantly let God down. After being reminded of that, I couldn't believe the attitude I was taking. The investment is so worth it and I'm so glad that I have the opportunity to invest myself again with this organization.

We are starting the study on this book in a couple weeks and I cannot wait to see what God does through it. God keeps hinting that big things are coming . . . eeeee!

new beginnings

First of all, I love fall! Not only the colors, sports, sweathshirts, and food, but the time for new beginnings. I've taken on a couple new things this fall to help me achieve some goals I've set for myself.

Number 1 - the end of my fat summer. The summer is the time where I say yes to anything and everything and thus my pants are starting to get too tight! For the last 3 weeks I have been diligent about my food (logging what I eat online) and exercising like crazy. So far so good. Hoping my body responds the way I want it to and that I can stick with it even when volleyball starts. It also makes me feel better about asking the same things from my clients.

Number 2 - c0-leading my small group. Our original leader had to step down b/c she doesn't attend our church anymore. Another girl and I are doing it and are so excited about it. God has placed it on both our hearts that God has big things in store for our group. It is a challenge for me, though, to get back on track and be disciplined about the things that go with leading the group.

Number 3 - reach out at church and meet new people. To accomplish this, I joined a Beth Moore bible study that meets on Tuesday mornings. I went to the first meeting today and discovered that I was the only single, non-mother in the whole group of about 30 women! I've been praying for an older mentor to come into my life so I'm hopeful that God has someone for me in that group. It looks like a great study that will challenge me to really dive into God's word. It's really going to challenge me to connect with others, but I'm excited about it.

Here's to a great fall!

the gift of age

I met some new clients if I need to change this week who are 27, but I never would've guessed their age if it wasn't written on their questionnaire. I am terrible at guessing people's age because I have such a skewed view of my own age. I thought to myself . . . "I don't look as old as them." The same thing happened when I watched Romy & Michelle's High School Reunion last week. They were going to their 10 year high school reunion (which we have next year) and I know I don't look as old as them! When I shared this with Karen, she just responded . . . "we are old." Great! It's not a bad thing, I just don't know if I need to change my self perspective or something.

One thing I know for sure is that I am grateful for the gift of age and all the things I have learned along the way (knowing that there is still much, much more to come). All of our FaR Out freshmen have been away at college for a few weeks now and it's interesting to read their facebook statuses. They share about going through the hardest time of their life - physically, emotionally, and mentally. I remember those days . . . your whole identity changes and you are pushed to the max. I thought I would never be challenged more than that in my whole life. I thought that until I graduated and was on my own . . . then I realized that life could get a whole lot harder. Through all of those experiences I realized that life can always get harder and it's important to find a way to enjoy the period that you are currently in. There will always been challenges, but if we dwell on those we will miss all of the joys that we could experience at the same time.

Oh, I love thinking I am so wise at a mere 27. :) I do appreciate the peace that God has given me about my current life stage. It's fun to just enjoy myself. Although I'm looking forward to what God has in store for me next . . . I'm trying noo to rush because I know the unknown will be a lot of difficult challenges.

family

I know they are not perfect and sometimes I complain about them, but I love my family. My mom and dad's side are extremely different, though. My mom's side is a lot smaller. We are sarcastic with one another and mostly like sports. My dad's side really values extended family and is a lot bigger. My grandpa has two brothers . . . between the 3 of them they have 11 children and 30 grandchildren. We have a get together at Christmas time that is a lot of fun. I really value that history and tradition of the Garners. We have relatives who were Quaker pastors and most of the family still attends the Friends church. I don't get to be around all my cousins as much as I'd like, but last weekend many attended a bridal shower for my first cousin Lindsey who is getting married next weekend. My Grandma said it used to be a tradition to have a couples shower for whoever was getting married. I think that is such a great idea because it just another reason for everyone to get together. During the shower we were asking Lindsey & Mike questions then were discussing all the marital wisdom that was in the room. Between my Grandpa and Great Uncles, they have been married for 163 years! I just think that is incredible!

I just feel so blessed to be a part of that family. I can't wait to honor them at my wedding someday.

just for fun

I thought this looked like a fun post for today.

1. What time did you get up this morning?5:00 a.m. . . . Wednesdays are rough
2. How do you like your steak? I try to get it medium, but sometimes need it medium well.
3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema? ahhh . . . I can't remember!
4. What is your favorite TV show? How bout top 5 . . . Cobsy, So You Think You Can Dance, Biggest Loser, Young & The Restless, Friends
5. If you could live anywhere in the world, where would it be? South Africa
6. What did you have for breakfast? Peanut Butter toast and a banana
7. What’s your favorite cuisine? Cheap mexican, i.e. Taco Bell
8. What foods do you dislike? let's see . . . mustard, pickles, sauerkrat, coconut, nuts
9. Where is your favorite place to eat? The Winchester
10. What is your favorite salad dressing? blue cheese
11. What kind of vehicle do you drive? Leo - Oldmobile Alero
12. What are your favorite clothes? Jeans and flip flops
13. Where would you visit if you had the chance? So many places I want to go . . . Outer Banks are at the top of the list, along with more of Africa, Ireland, & Italy
14. Is the cup half empty or half full? half full
15. Where would you want to retire? somewhere without snow
16. What is your favorite time of the day? my most productive, yet peaceful time is morning
17. Where were you born? Wabash, IN
18. What is your favorite sport to watch? football & volleyball
19. Are you a bird watcher? not really
20. Are you a morning person or a night person? morning
21. What did you want to be where you were little? my mom says a meteorologist, but I remember wanting to be a teacher
22. What’s your best childhood memory? don't have many . . .
23. Do you always wear your seat belt? Yes, of course!
24. Do you have any pet peeves? people who don't use turn signals, pessimism
25. Favorite type of pizza? bbq chicken
26. Favorite flower? dahlias
27. Favorite ice cream? Mint Oreo
28. Have you done anything spontaneous lately? can't think of anything
29. Do you like your job? most of the time
30. Do you like broccoli? yes I do

my cup overfloweth

Summer brings dichotomous emotions for me. On one hand it is hard for me to fly by the seat of my pants and be out of a routine. I like order - that is no secret. However, summer has just also made my heart so full. I love how care free we all can be and just make so many fun memories together. Although it is still hard for me to be away from home so I can't make every family event, every day I am reminded that my new home is the place I need to be. Today was just another example of that. It was the 4th Annual Emily Duits Beach Volleyball Memorial Tournament. I had not been able to attend since the first one and this year I actually got to have a team in the tournament. The weather was crazy, the volleyball was okay, but the fellowship was amazing. Most of the girls from my team when Em played were there and it is just so awesome to see the girls and their parents remain so close. It just overwhelms my heart to know that our club and the sport of volleyball, along with Em's great life, could bring people together like that. God amazes me with his ability to connect people. I also got to visit with Em's grandma a little bit. She has such an amazing spirit and I love her outlook on life. I also love seeing Em's sister Sarah being a mom to her son Rydik, who is so adorable. I couldn't imagine losing a sister/best friend, but she has handled it and being a young mom beautifully. I got to visit with Em's mom Selena down in Louisville. I love that she can talk to me about Em and vice versa. Today was really all about celebration, which is what Em would've wanted. I pray that God continued to heal the hearts of those who loved Em the most and that Em's spirit is never forgotten. Thank you Lord for blessing our lives with her presence. Thank you for my wonderful friends who gave up their Sunday to play in the tournament. It was so fun to be a part of the day in that way and I'm grateful for their presence in my life. Please protect them because I don't know if I could bare losing them. Your ways are not always clear, but I cling to the truth that God is good all the time and all the time God is good.

we did it!

Thursday finally arrived and Karen & I signed the final closing papers and got into our house. It seemed like a long time coming, but God had it all under control. I firmly believe that it was no coincidence that our chapter for small group was on the God of Peace this week. Every day I was reminding yet again that worrying does nothing for us, we must continue to trust in the Lord. His way are often mysterious, but He is there and He is working. He was so faithful to us through this whole process and I do have such awesome peace about our investment and LOVE our house!

I knew it was going to be a lot of work and it is! But it's been fun to see the transformations already. It's going to be totally worth it. My prayer is that God allows me to relinquish control of things and reassure me that I cannot do everything by myself. My close friends know this is a constant struggle for me, but I believe God can help me share. :)

what else?!

I guess I thought that since I really committed this house buying process to God that He would do everything on our time schedule. Unfortunately, that has not been the case. Our closing date has been changed once again . . . ugh! Instead of going through the annoying circumstances that have brought us to this point, I'll mention the positive things that have happened . . .

First of all, I was able to have a relaxing weekend with my wonderful friends at Karen's wonderful cottage. Good times were had by all!

Second, my dad is coming to help me move. What a blessing! He's a great packer and I'm excited for him to see where I live.

Third, we have found some great furniture at some great deals!

Fourth, my boss is letting me work on Wednesday (now that I don't have a house to get into yet), which is a huge blessing.

Fifth, my wonderful friend Dez is letting me stay at her house until we can get into our house.

Sixth, the insurance lady that has helped us has been great. She is even starting our policy early so my stuff will be covered.

I'm sure there have been other things, but I'm really trying to look on the bright side. I am such a planner so all the setbacks have been really hard for me, but I'm sure God has a purpose through all of it. Before I finish my packing I'm watching the Cosby show (which always makes me laugh) and cranking the tunes. A Terri Clark song is really fitting today . . .

"You want an answer as soon as you say a prayer

You want to land the moment you're in the air

Baby the living is all in the getting there."

in his hands

If you have never bought a house you are missing out on a lot of life lessons. I have had the fortune to have already gone through this process once. The first time was not well thought out and turned into a disaster. The second time around has been incredible. I was determined to commit the adventure to the Lord in prayer and He continues to prove to me that He has the whole thing in His hands. Just when we thought we weren't going to find the right one, he brought along a great house for a great deal. It has so much potential. He has allowed all the steps along the way to go smoothly. We are still waiting for the clearance to close, which has been a huge test of faith (just got an email they need more info), but our mortgage officer has assurred us that we are all set to close on Monday. This again works out great b/c our landlord let us stay until the 15th so we have 2 days of overlap to move out and clean up. Setting up all the utilities has also worked out nicely and in a timely fashion. It even worked out for my dad to come up and help me move, which should be fun. I have found a ton of great furniture at great prices and just can't wait to get in the house and get going. I'm so excited to live with Karen and have someone to hang out with and talk to and be silly with. We can't wait to show everyone the finished product.

God, you are so good to me. Everytime I would doubt that things were going to work out, you pulled through and showed once again why you are God and I am not. While other things in my life are going crazy and making me sad, you have given me this to be passionate about and I am so grateful. Seriously, my life is awesome and it's all because of you!

reflections

Packing is one of the most depressing things ever! I have been putting it off for weeks and finally kickstarted the process tonight. Yes, it's a holiday weekend and I should be out having fun, but I really don't like the 4th of July. I always feel alone on this holiday and am so tired of joining other people's family celebrations when I feel like an outsider. Packing made the perfect excuse. So I went to CVS and got some packing tape, cranked up the tunes, and went to work.

Not only do my walls look bare, but as I load up the boxes I can't help but stop and go through the memories. I went through my coaching scrapbook and was overwhelmed with the many lives that have touched mine through this passion of mine. I couldn't help but stop at the pages depicting our trip to Nationals in Salt Lake City 4 years ago. There were pictures of us at the Park City 4th of July parade that made me remember the old ladies who played the kazoos. What fun memories, including crowding one of the condos to watch the Wimbledon finals. That trip will never be duplicated and it was our last time with Emily. I got to spend a short visit with Em's mom in Louisville last week. I love that she lets me talk about Em and she actually appreciates that instead of people tip-toeing around the subject. Everytime I'm at a big tournament I can't help but think of Em. That was her element and she loved that environment more than anyone. It's still hard to balance the joy I have that she gets to be in Heaven and the anger I have that someone who loved volleyball so much isn't with us to enjoy it on Earth anymore. Makes me mad with young girls take the opportunity for granted.

I am very excited for the change coming in my life, but it is still kind of scary and emotional. We have a lot of memory making ahead of us, that's for sure. I'm glad that God has helped me adapt to change much better, but it is still hard. There are a lot of big changes coming in my life and today really made me think about those changes. When the song Walk Down This Mountain by Bebo Norman came on, I just stopped and broke down because the words were hitting me so powerfully. Completing something is such a great experience, but it means that you're beginning a new journey around the corner and beginning is always a scary process.

It's a better place
Standing high upon this mountain
I've seen your face
Full of the light that holiest height can show
Blessed hand is why you you've given
But you've been given all you'll ever need To know

Chorus: So walk down this mountain
With your heart held high
Follow in the footsteps of your maker
With this love that's gone before you
And these people at your side
If you offer up your broken cup
You will taste the meaning of this life
Hey hey

Well it's a common ground
And I see you're all still standing
But just look around and you'll find
The very face of God
He's walking down into the distance
He's walking down to where the masses are

Chorus
This life

We're standing in a place of peace
And this is how the world should be
How the world should be (Walk down this mountain with your heart held high)
How the world should be (Walk down this mountain with you heart held high)
How the world should be (Walk down this mountain with your heart held high)
How the world should be

pure exhaustion

I have totally fallen off the blogging bandwagon. The last few weeks have been absolutely crazy and I never thought I'd be more excited for July 1 to get here. I just got back from our last club volleyball tournament last night at 10 a.m. We had a great time in Louisville. All of my closest friends coach with the club and so on the long trips we end up having more fun than anyone (probably more fun than anyone should, but those details are not appropriate for my blog). My team took me on one heck of a rollercoaster. We ended up in the copper division after having a real shot at gold or silver. And what a suprise we ended up winning the division and were there until 3:30 p.m. I'm so glad we were able to finish our season on a win. Not many teams can say that and I couldn't have asked for a better way to end this great season. I felt like a proud mama just watching them do things we have been working on all season. It was terrific. I did lose my voice and got a total of 23 hours of sleep over 4 nights . . . not near enough for me. Everyone kept saying . . . I guess you can do that when you're young. I sure don't feel young! I took a 2 hour nap this afternoon and still feel like crap. Hopefully all I need is one more night's sleep.

Probably the best part of the last few weeks have been the amazing talks with my friends. It is so reassuring to know that other people are struggling with the same things that I am and it is OK. Karen & I are so excited to move in together and have karaoke parties in our underwear and stay up all night talking and just enjoying life. The big day is coming! I haven't packed anything, but I'm sure it will get done . . . it always does. Not many philosophical thoughts right now because I'm too tired, but just needed to write to get back on track.

so much to share

Even though my friends make fun of me for reading sappy love stories . . . I absolutely love books by Karen Kingsbury. Last summer I read the entire Baxter series (13 books) and am now reading some of her stand alone and shorter series. I remember reading the second to last book by the pool last summer and balling my eyes out because the storyline was so heart wrenching. Well, that happened again today as I finished Ever After. Once again, my towel was soaked from all my tears. The other night as I was working through the end I found my self saying . . . "These people are not real," but it really doesn't matter. The writing may not be stellar, but it definitely drags me in and I'm always able to connect to the story in some way. The author even described this feeling as she writes her books. She wrote Ever After in 5 days and had to keep a box of tissues on her desk while writing it. Just like I love my soap operas, these books are such a great escape from the hustle & bustle of real life.

I am wrapping up week 2 of my body, mind, and spirit cleanse. It has been very interesting. Until tonight when I've been alone in my hotel room, I've been able to watch only 20 minutes or less of TV each day. I've only listened to music in the car during my two long drives. I thought I would find myself praying a lot more, but I've just been consumed by my to do list. I have been able to maintain a clearer mind and do my devotions each day without the TV, though. The things I've given up in my diet have been harder. This whole week has been focus on no sugar and no gluten plus no caffeine or fast food and very little dairy. I've almost done it 100% minus 2 granola bars with some oats and a little sugar. I feel pretty good, but have been craving so many foods like Edy's mint cookie crunch ice cream!!!! It's a great reminder to be aware of what's going in my body and to eat to live not live to eat.

Ahhh . . . I saved the best news for last! Karen & I put an offer on a house Wednesday night and it was accepted today! We are so excited and i'm sure I'll post pictures soon. Right now it's painted in some crazy colors so we're excited to get our hands on it and start redecorating. I haven't really been freaked at all during this whole process, just excited! I committed to praying us through this process and God has been more than faithful and I am so grateful. We have to stay there for 3 years to keep our tax credit, which makes me think God's not going to bless us with husbands till then which is a little unnerving, but again I'm trusting in God's faithfulness like all my fellow single ladies out there (I'll save my feeling on singleness for another post).

Anywho . . . today has been great! God has been great, but He is great all the time. I love that he continues to remind me of that, which I will never get tired of.

randoms

Even though my butt hurts from sitting in this chair for over an hour and I need a shower desperately . . . I needed to get out my blogging itch. Here are the randoms in my brain.

- Am seriously annoyed at a coach of ours who is expressing his frustration with me/us on facebook! Really?! Are we not adults and can we not discuss things in person? I'm so mad at him and I'm not sure if I even want to talk with him right now because I might hit him.

- My roommate left her pager on so I've listen to it vibrate constantly for the last 1.5 hours. Not a biggee, but a little annoying. (fyi - roommate just came home after writing this . . . lol) P.S. no more parties as we now having seating for one. Our 3rd, non-existent roommate came and got her furniture this week. So sad to have an empty house and only 1 month left here. I am definitely avoiding packing, but at least have a place to go temporarily.

- I was reminded of how awesome my friends are this weekend . . . not only because they kept telling me, but because two of them ran a marathon! They were amazing! I was so moved when they crossed the finish line. What an accomplishment for them, I'm so glad I got to witness it. We spent an amazing weekend of camping and shared countless laughs . . . I'm just so lucky and can't wait for the rest of the summer.

- I began a 21-day cleanse for my mind, body, and spirit yesterday. There is a lot I'm trying to cleanse myself of and I'm going a little slow. First is no TV and no radio in the car. So far so good, except for 20 minutes today while I ate my lunch. The food is a little more complicated b/c I haven't had time to shop, but am focusing on no sugar, junk, caffeine, or fast food for right now and am doing well. Just excited to refresh and refocus.

My head feels a little clearer . . . time to shower up!

what's wrong with me?

Do you ever take time and evaluate yourself and realize that you have really changed or are different than you thought you were? I have realized that I am still an extremely emotional person, but when something upsets me and I want to cry about it the tears just don't come. Today I broke down about a situation and I cried for a minute and then was done. What has happened to me? Have I just resigned myself to life and don't care anymore? That actually kind of scares me. When I don't care and just go through the motions life kind of sucks. That's a lesson I try to teach my players. That's a dangerous place to be . . . things may be easy, but there is no great reward when you don't commit yourself 100%. A good part may be that my faith in God's plan for my life has increased and I know that I can't control certain situations. Yes, I do feel like I have a strong faith, but I also feel like God calls us to take some responsibility in life. That's part of the freedom we have from God's grace. I don't know exactly what I'm feeling right now, just needed to vent a little so I can sleep tonight and have an improved attitude for this week because it's going to be a tough week. Until next time . . .

satan's evil plan

It has been an unusually easy week for me, which I am always grateful for. Doesn't always mean that I'm raking in the big bucks, but is helpful for my sanity. I have also been able to get a lot of work on farout and mivca done. The trouble this week has been how Satan has been beating down my friends. It seems like everywhere I turn I hear of him messing with their self-confidence and self-image, causing them to doubt their abilities and beauty. Or he continues to put road blocks in their way of financial peace or love and happiness. It just makes my heart break when I hear of what he is doing. I feel like I am constantly praying for God to bring peace to their hearts and to see them through their trial and tribulations. In my constant effort to become better at praying . . . I WILL NOT give up on praying for my friends. They are such special people and deserve all of God's blessings. I am reminded that God is strong when we are weak . . . may we always give God the glory even when we are at our lowest point.

d-day

Yesterday was the big race. On Friday I tried not to worry about it too much. It was hard when the other girls came over that afternoon because they were all genuinely excited for the race. I was not . . . I was just scared that I would be in constant pain and not able to finish. We did have a very enjoyable pre-race dinner, though. I made whole wheat pasta with chicken, spinach, sun-dried tomatoes, and parmesan cheese. Ours tummies were full and we headed off to bed. We all started waking up very early in the morning to roars of thunder and heavy down pours outside. By the time we got up at 6:30 a.m. the rain had subsided. When we headed downtown it was chilly, but we were not bothered. We shedded our outer layers at the gear check and ventured to the start line. About 5 minutes before the gun it started sprinkling and turned into a very steady rain by the time we crossed the start line. Karen & I stuck together the whole race and we tried not to think about how wet we were. The first 4 miles were very hilly, but we both felt great even through the half-way point. It was hard not to be distracted by the runners in front of us whom we had to watch because the new course shared the same road for about 3 miles. We definitely slowed down on the second half and I started to get tired by mile 13. I wanted to finish so badly . . . I refused to listen to the thoughts in my head that told me to walk. The only time we walked was when we drank gatorade/water at the aid stations. With about 2 miles to go I saw my client who said she was coming to cheer so I got a little boost of energy then. The crowds continued to grow as we got downtown. Then we saw Laura & Megan at the last corner before the finish line . . . Karen got a huge surge of energy and took off for the finish. I didn't have that much gas, but still made it. I wanted to cry when I crossed that line . . . I was so proud of ALL of us!

Amazingly, I felt great throughout the entire race. I never got a side cramp, my knee hurt a few times on the downhill sections and my hip flexor got tight, but otherwise it was pretty good considering the weather. God definitely protected me and the 1200 mg of ibprofen didn't hurt either. ;) It was surreal to stop at the end because after running that far, walking feels very strange. We came back to the house and stuffed our faces with Papa John's, showered, and warmed up (being wet out in the cold is no fun). After visiting with friends we took naps and headed to Laura's. It wasn't until that night that soreness started to set in. Nevertheless we partied hard in celebration of our MAJOR accomplisment. Needless to say we slept very well last night, but the legs felt like 10 bricks this morning.

The theme for the run was . . . What do you run for? I still don't have a good answer for that question. This race was something I had always wanted to do, I guess just to say that I did it. You could say that I did it for self-respect or pride. Either way I AM glad I did it and even HAPPIER that I finished. It was never about that time for me, I just wanted to complete it. I don't plan on every doing it again. I'm just anxious to get back to enjoying shorter runs again. This was definitely outside of my comfort zone, but God taught me that while the journey can be rough the finish is so sweet. God was with me through this whole thing and I know He's with me on my journey of life too. I hope you're inspired to do something out of your comfort zone and that God gives you the strength to accomplish your goal.

today's thoughts

I have a couple things on my mind today . . . mainly to keep my mind off Saturday. I swam for a little bit today and then sat in the whirlpool. I prefer to be in there alone, but I listened to the conversation of two older women also in the whirlpool. They began to to talk about one of their daughter's who is 32 and not married. The other women asked if something was wrong with her. Are you kidding me? Why do people assume something is wrong with them? Maybe something is wrong with all the people they have met. Ahhh . . . I just got so mad listening to them. It's people like that who make people like me question is something is wrong with us. I refuse to fall into that trap, though. It WILL happen . . . I'm trusting in God for that one.

As I was driving to practice I saw a guy behind me getting out a cigarette to smoke. It only took an instant for me to start hating that man and I don't even know him. Smoking is a habit I despise. I nagged my mom for years before she quit. I also have my first client who smokes and it just makes me so mad. Today was the first day, though, that it hit me . . . how is that habit different from me having to eat something sweet everyday. It's the same kind of addiction and much like smokers I can't nix the habit. I still don't like the smoking, but may think twice about eating dessert next time.

it is finally here

I honestly don't know if I have been ready for this week to get here or truly dreading it. It is the week of the Fifth Third River Bank Run. For those who don't live in GR that is one of the largest 25K races in the U.S. Yes, I signed up to run 15.5 miles this coming Saturday. For some reason I have some crazy things on my bucket list and this is one of them. I am not a runner and do not know why I continue to pretend to be. At one point I had gotten to the point where I actually enjoyed a 3 or 4 mile run. I even enjoyed the 8 mile run I did during my training. At some point the wheels just came off, though . . . let me clarify . . . my right knee decided to revolt against the rest of my body. For the last three weeks I have only run once a week and this pain will not go away. It's there when I get up in the morning, when I try to go up the 3 flights of stairs at work, when I bend down to pick up things at work, when I try to demonstrate a lunge for my clients, and especially when I run. I thought it would go away, but now I'm worried. I think my worrying about it might even be causing my headaches. I want to get through this run without damaging my knee further and so I can say I did it. I know it would suck even if I was 100% healthy, but it could really turn into something really miserable.

Throughout the whole training I have felt God trying to teach me about the race of life. It is so not a sprint like I try to make it. And sometimes there are stumbling blocks along the way. But it's not our strength that can overcome them or give us the discipline to last . . . God's strength is the only thing strong enough. I am turning to him to heal my knee and help me perservere on Saturday. In Christ alone . . .

tradition of excellence

I had the pleasure of attending a celebration on Friday & Saturday for Taylor volleyball's 1,000th program win making them the winningest volleyball program in NAIA history. I never expected to be a part of the Taylor volleyball program. I grew up about 45 minutes from the campus, but wanted no part in attending a university in Indiana. When I was a player at Cornerstone I had tremendous respect for the Taylor volleyball program. I always knew they had a rich tradition and always loved playing them. I remember two distinct wins over them - one at our home tournament when Lindsey Taatjes was a freshman. The second was at the Best of the Best tournament that same year.

In July of 2005 I was working a summer volleyball camp at Notre Dame when I got an email from my friend Elissa. She notified me of a position at Taylor that she had been offerred, but was declining because of another job opportunity. The position was for assistant volleyball coach and academic support director. I was intending to start my second year of teaching the next year, but couldn't help thinking about this opportunity. I spoke with Brittany Smith the new coach at Taylor, whom I had coached against the previous club volleyball season and she seemed interested in having me join her staff. I decided to go down to Upland for the interview, was offerred the job within the week and turned in my resignation at my school two weeks before the school year was supposed to begin.

I didn't really know what I was getting myself into when I moved to Upland. It certainly was not easy, but I soon found out that God had a great purpose for me at Taylor. My three years there were all different and I grew immensely as a person and a coach. I developed a very special relationship with Brittany and Coach Fincannon and many of the players. Although I'm glad to be back in GR, I do not regret the decision I made to move to Upland.

One of the biggest reasons why I have no regrets is because I had the opportunity to become a part of the Taylor volleyball family. I already thought I was so lucky to have my own volleyball family from Cornerstone, but to have that experience times two is very special. On Friday night, former Taylor coach Angie Fincannon gave a wonderful speech describing all the elements that make TUVB so special. I couldn't help tearing up because I feel so blessed to have those same relationships with my teammates and former coach. All the alumni and former coaches who were there take so much pride in their program and expect nothing less that full effort and excellence to glorify God each and every year.

It was for this reason that I did get a little sad during the evening because I feel my former program is lacking in this tradition. We don't have the storied tradition that Taylor does, but we could if the right people were heading our athletic department and volleyball program. That's the biggest reason why I've prayed for that opportunity the last few years.

I had quite a unique perspective as a former opponent of many of the TUVB alumni, but still feel very honored to share in their tradition of excellence.

ahhhhhhhhhh

I am so grateful for an outlet to express my emotions! I try to call friends, but don't always like to burden them, but that's usually my only choice because my roommate and I are NEVER home at the same time. Anywho, today was a rough one. My time of the month is right around the corner and it is amazing how quickly I can snap on someone. I had to go into work today 3 separate times for 4 appointments and my boss totally pissed me off and reminded me how much I don't want to work for my company and how much better I could do his job. Then I heard one of my current favorite songs on the radio and got to pondering the lyrics a little bit more . . .

"Free to Be Me" - Francesca Battistelli

At twenty years of age I'm still looking for a
dream
A war's already waged for my
destiny
But You've already won the battle
And You've got great plans for me
Though I can’t always see

‘Cause I got a couple dents in my
fender
Got a couple rips in my jeans
Try to fit the pieces together
But perfection is my enemy
On my own I'm so clumsy
But on Your shoulders I can see
I'm free to be me

When I was just a girl I thought I had it figured
out
My life would turn out right, and I'd make it here
somehow
But things don't always come that easy
And sometimes I would doubt

(Chorus)

And you’re free to be you
Sometimes I believe that I can do
anything
Yet other times I think I've got nothing good to
bring
But You look at my heart and You tell me
That I've got all You seek
And it’s easy to believe
Even though

(Chorus)

Well, I got some dents in my car this week and know I have some rips in my jeans and I already know perfection is my enemy. This is my first year not working in the school system and I miss that changes that happen in the spring . . . it's like a new hope is born. You get new classes, new students, change dorms or apartments, etc. I miss that feeling right now and think I'm getting overwhelmed by the big things going on in my life. I'm trying to be so diligent about praying for Karen and I to find the right house. I've also kind of resigned issues with my job to God. On one hand I think that's a good thing because I don't worry about it as much, but I also don't want to stop praying either . . . I almost feel like I have something to prove to God, like I have to show him how much I trust him with my prayers.

I've always pondered the end of the chorus in this song . . . was does it mean to be "free to be me?" I think when we rely on God totally and we rest on his shoulders then our true selves come out. That's when we enjoy life and others enjoy us. I just hate days like today when I don't feel free to be me. Like no one would care if I didn't come to the Y and no one would know if I ate two hot pockets and two cheesy double beef burritos. Luckily I coach wonderful girls who do miss me if I'm not there who always make me smile.

Lord, help me to wake up tomorrow with a fresh attitude and teach me what it means to truly trust in your timing.

biggest loser

It's no secret that I love the show The Biggest Loser! I don't approve of all the physical tasks they do, but the way they change people's lives is absolutely incredible. Recently I had to pick up the closely shift on Tuesdays so I haven't been able to actually sit and watch it live for a while. Tonight was been wonderful! I pretty much cry through every episode . . . a variety of emotions well up in me while watching the show.

First of all, the fact that I get to do a small percentage of what they do on a daily basis is a gift. People come to me with so many issues that have caused them to be overweight and they are at their wits end of how to fix their situation. I am no savior in this field, but to have a small part in helping my clients change their lives is such a blessing.

The thing that makes me the most sad is having family members that need that same experience so badly. My brother in particular is in such bad shape it's almost like he is dying right in front of my eyes. He is so sensitive if anyone mentions his weight so we're constantly tip toeing around the topic, but we all want to help him so badly. It's like having a family member who smokes and you want to help them quit so badly, but it's up to them to decide to change that behavior and give it up. My mom finally made that change almost two years ago after years of nagging her. I don't want it to take years for my brother to wake up and realize what he is doing to his life and to his family. I pray all the time (probably not enough though) that God would allow me in some way to help him, but nothing has happened yet. I just hope it's not too late before he gets it together. God is the only one that can change him.

I'm just so excited about all the people that get inspired by this show. I know it's TV and there are a lot of other factors that take away from the good stuff on the show, but I love it. Weight is such a struggle for so many people and when they finally realize they are in control of their actions and behaviors and that THEY CAN change their life . . . ahhh it gives me goosebumps!

sports movies

It probably has a lot to do with the fact that I grew up surrounded by sports, but I absolutely love sports movies! I love watching teams pull together and learn important life lessons. I love watching coaches do whatever it takes to pull greatness from their players. And I love watching the underdog win it all. Here's a rundown of some of my top five . . .

Rudy - What Notre Dame fan doesn't love the movie Rudy? I still remember watching this movie for the first time. My grandparents had taken my brother and I on a fun outing to Ft. Wayne when we were younger. We went to the theatre to watch it. There weren't a lot of people in the theatre, but during the scene where the crowd starts chanting Ru-dy we all joined in too. The impossible nature of this scrawny kid actually getting that opportunity always inspires me. I cry every time when he runs out on the field with so elation on his face and then actually sacks the other quarterback . . . what a great feeling!

Hoosiers - Being an Indiana native this one is especially dear to my heart. Although it wasn't as small as Hickory (actually Milan high school in the real story), but I know what it's like to go to a small school and always be the underdog. The big schools never respect you even though you probably have twice as much heart as they do. That's exactly what happens in this movie. I love seeing the looks on their faces when they walk into Hinkle Fieldhouse (which I've been in - amazing!) and they measure the court to make sure it's the same. Doesn't matter where you come from - heart & talent is an unstoppable combination.

Facing the Giants - a friend of mine recommended this movie to me last year and I instantly fell in love. It focuses a little more on the coaching side of sports, which I of course loved. It totally puts into perspective why coaches do what they do. It definitely helped me get my priorities straight. I cried so much the first time I watched it, I have hesitated to watch it again!

Remember the Titans - this movie carries a lot of emotions for me because of how close to home it hits. To be honest I have avoided watching it since Emily's accident because I can't bear to watch the accident scene in the movie. It still remains as one of my favorites, though, because I love how real the players are with one another. Players put a lot of emotions into their sport and you just can glaze over them and get along if you want to have real success. They work through their differences and actually become friends, which doesn't always happen in the athletic arena. I will never get tired of watching Coach Boone carry his daughter around on his shoulders screaming, we're going to win state!

The Rookie (I happen to be watching this movie at the present time.) - I just love how inspiring this movie is. Sometimes when coaches make the transition from the field to the sidelines they totally step away from their playing dreams. Others are not able to let go quite that easy. It takes a lot of guts to sacrifice everything for your dream, a dream that may seem unrealistic to everyone else. I can't imagine what emotional turmoil Jimmy would've been in if he would've walked away knowing he had a real shot at the majors. I'm really looking forward to the scene where he calls home and tells everyone he's going to pitch in the bigs . . . knowing that was what he had waited for all that time (ahhh, the tears are already starting).

Honorable Mentions:

- Miracle

- We are Marshall

- Field of Dreams

- Coach Carter

- Mighty Ducks

communion

This time of year makes it very hard to attend church on a regular basis. I'm often coaching on Sundays or home for family get togethers. I was finally back at KCC this morning . . . albeit by myself again. I don't like going to church by myself, but it has become the norm. I'm hoping that Karen & I will enjoy attending the same church some day, but we'll see.

Anywho, today was communion Sunday. I grew up in a church that did not participate in any formal church rituals like water baptism or communion. The Friends church was originally formed to break away from the Church of England because they put too much emphasis on these things and passed over the importance of a personal relationship with Christ. I am very grateful for my upbringing at Wabash Friends. Everytime I go home I feel so loved and feel the presence of God. I love singing the old hymms and knowing that I'll always have a place there. When I went to college, I began to ask a lot of questions about communion and became very interested. I can't remember for sure, but I am almost certain I took communion for the first time at KCC. It was a terrific experience because it made Christ's sacrifice really come alive for me and became quite real. I enjoy participating in communion now. It is a great time of remembrance. It's not about doing it because we have to, but because we want to, which was the original intention.

It felt so good to be at church again this morning. We sang about the wondrous cross and how amazing God's love is and I just felt God was sitting right next to me reminding me how much He cares for and loves me. I will never get tired of that feeling and pray that I never take it for granted.

God placed a lot of thoughts in my head during the service. One was about making sure I am remembering that all I have is a gift from God. I want to be more diligent about my finances and make sure I am giving back to the Lord. Not so he will bless what I give, but because I want to honor Him in that way. The message was about praying for those in our circle who may not know the Lord. God places this thought on my heart every once in a while and I find that I will pray for them for a couple weeks then give up. I want to be diligent about that and trust that God is hearing my prayers even though he might not answer them right away.

May God bless you and keep you and make His face shine upon you.

mama al

I had such an AMAZING experience today - I got to see one of my bestest friends in her new role as a mom! She gave birth to a beautiful boy yesterday. His name is Kenyon Bruce Sagraves and he was a pretty big baby - 8 lb. 14 oz. She ended up having to push for 3 hours and her epideral had worn off by then . . . needless to say delivery was not ideal, but she was in such good spirits today. I am just so proud of her. I got to hold Kenyon for a little while and dress him in his first outfit. He is just so cute! The best part of the day was watching Al just cuddle with Kenyon and then perform basic mommy tasks. I was pretty sure Kenyon had pooped while I was holding him and sure enough when she went to change his diaper it was full. While she was changing him, he was screaming and proceeding to continue peeing and pooping. Al remained calm and just did her thing and was never frazzled by all the crying. Then she attempted nursing while I was there. He didn't latch on till I left, but it was still a cool experience. I am rather jealous of her, although I know that's not where my life is at right now. I am just so thankful that she has allowed me to share in her pregnancy and can't wait to watch this little guy grow up.

So, Allison . . . soak in every second and know that I am so proud of you. You and Aaron are going to be great parents! Love you lots!

coaching blessings

This past weekend was kind of a struggle for my team. We were down to 7 players again with a not so ideal line-up and we played some tougher competition. My team started off really well and then we went through our normal struggle against better teams. I spend 80% of the time convincing them to just have fun no matter who were are playing and just give it their all. We lost 3 of our 4 matches in the 3rd game some 15-13. I think that made the losses a little more frustrating because we were so close to winning so many of our matches. Every time we would lose, though, I couldn'tbe mad at them because they did put forth ample effort, we just couldn't execute. Although I wasn't really made, I did wear my frustration on my face a little too much.

This morning I check my email and Brandon, my assistant, has emailed everyone. He has never done this and I was a little perturb at first. Then I read it and he was so encouraging to the girls and right on with everything. Then I got an email from one of the parents. I coached her older daughter on a much better 16s team. She was so encouraging about how much the girls have improved and how much fun they are having. I was totally on the same page with her, but it was just so wonderful to get emails like that today. Although it is very tiring, coaching is so rewarding . . . I am so glad God gave me the abilities to do this profession.

long time no write

It's been almost two weeks since I have divulged my inner most thoughts on this thing called a blog. I've actually been without my laptop for almost 14 days. I took it to the Geek Squad at Best Buy to get a check up because it was covered under my service plan and I was going to be on vacation anyway. Well, they are so slow and when they found out that I had a virus they wanted $140 to fix it. I went in there last night and said I want my computer and I'm not giving you any money . . . so mad! I hate being a witch about stuff like that, but come on people, that was ridiculous.

Being without my computer was a good thing. I did check my email a little while I was gone on vacation, but did not respond and went almost 7 days without facebook . . . it was a good feeling. My vacation did not go exactly how I would've liked, but it was still okay. I envisioned just driving to the beach for a couple of full sun days, but no one else had that plan. It was nice to catch up with my family in Florida. Their lives are both different and the same . . . I wanted to ask them if they thought I was different since they last saw me. Sometimes I thought they still saw me as their little cousin. Oh well . . . I got to feel the Florida sun! :) I did get to spend some good time reflecting on God's word and writing in my journal. I'm always grateful for those quite moments and the ability to feel God's presence.

I had more family time over Easter . . . what can I say? My family is crazy! Specifically my brother. He shows up after we have all eaten a great lunch prepared mostly by my Grandma who works took hard for all of us. They had stopped at McDonalds on the way because their kids do not eat regular food. They proceed to fill their plates, but I'm pretty sure the SIL didn't like anything except the green bean casserole, which she finally tried after years of assuming she wouldn't like it . . . who doesn't like green bean casserole?! Then they proceeded to get the boys cups of Coke (yes, regular coke . . . do you know how much sugar is in coke?). And they wonder why the children are unmanageable at times. Then they asked if Levi could have a head start in the Easter Egg hunt. Nevermind that Aaron was helping him anyway. What are they teaching this kid? He's going to expect everything to be handed to him for the rest of his life. I pity any coach or teacher he ever has because it's going to be impossible to teach him discipline or humility. Then they left 2 hours later . . . nice visit . . . neither Aaron of his wife said two words to me. Whatever. Is it bad that I only want to get married and have kids so I can show them that even though it is hard to be a spouse and parent is hard, you can do it without taking advantage of everyone around you and disrespecting everyone else?

Life is getting back to the grind. I'm starting my new schedule at work, which I think should be okay. I will never like closing on Tuesdays b/c I have to miss a great night of TV, but TV is not everything . . . I will survive. Spring is always a wonderful time of year that I love. It has always meant change, even more so when I was working in a school setting. This year will be a little different, but it's still a fun time. As soon as I get over this cold, I plan to enjoy it even more. Whew . . . that's the update from me sitting in my bed on this dreary day.

perfectionism

I believe perfectionism should be classified as a mental disorder. It can really cause damage to a person's psyche. I admit that I suffer from this. I want to be the best at whatever I do mainly because I believe I can be and why not pursue what you know you are capable of. There are a few negative effects of perfectionism, though. For starters you can cause yourself a lot of stress in the process. You also cut yourself off from other things that might distract you from your task at hand.

As I've gotten older, I have definitely improved in this area of trying to be perfect at every little thing. The area I struggle with the most now is being perfect in life. Trying to make every perfect decision and following God's plan for my life perfectly. This is not a good decision, it goes against the freedom that God has granted us.

The whole reason these ideas are on my mind is because of some late-night tv channel flipping. I hate watching commercials and like scanning all the channels. It drives others crazy, but I often find things I would never see. Some nights I stop on the school board meeting or get caught watching HSN or QVC. One night I stopped on one of the Christian channels and a woman (unsure of who she is) was leading a lesson with a small group of women. She was talking about being perfect. God has given us gifts, but He has never called us to be perfect at using our gifts. If that is what we are pursuing we will fall every time. It's okay to be good.

How hard is that for you to say? It's hard for me sometimes, but the times I can get that to sink in my head I am so much happier. Others aren't annoyed by my desire to be perfect, which is good, and I am not stressed out if things are perfect. A constant reminder - It's okay to be good.

See my channel flipping actually did some good! :)

seriously?

So this being my birthday week and all, I was planning on a fabulous week. The to do list was getting smaller and I was feeling good about my job and life was good . . . then it seemed like the wheels fell off. I am usually the optimistic person in life. I'm the one always telling people that it's going to be okay and that God is in control and blah, blah, blah. For some reason over the last 24 hours I cannot get those thoughts to seek in for me. The Y is cutting back significant hours and I have no idea how I will be affected. Not the best time because the class I was teaching is wrapping up and I'm going on vacation at the end of next week. Also, I have a player quitting my team and just refuses to communicate with me. I honestly am over it, but feel like the girls are getting hurt by her decision. Then today at work when emotions were running high, I said something that made someone mad. I apologized, but could tell they were still mad about it. I hate when that happens because I know I was in the wrong, but can't get past it. All these things are usually things that I can handle without problem, but I guess I just reached a breaking point pretending that my life is fine. It is fine, but maybe not as stable as I woud like. I KNOW things will work out and be okay and that God is just preparing me for things ahead, but it's just not sinking in!

I have been going to God with my frustrations and trying to give it up to him. He has answered my prayers in interesting ways today. I actually did my devotions before work this morning (at 4:45 a.m.) and it included Isaiah 40:28-31, which always renews my spirit. Then when I checked my email, I got a facebook message that someone I haven't talked to since college prayed for me last night. Then I got messages from two great friends supporting me today. Then as I left work, a co-worker encouraged me and reminding me that I will be fine. It was almost too much encouragement to handle, but definitely God speaking to me. It would be so easy for me to avoid everyone who cares about me and wallow in self-pity, but I'm not going to. I will enjoy my birthday and not tell myself that I am old even though I feel that way.

"Do you not know?

Have you not heard?

The LORD is the everlasting God,

the Creator of the ends of the earth.

He will not grow tired or weary,

and his understanding no one can fathom.
He gives strength to the weary

and increases the power of the weak.
Even youths grow tired and weary,

and young men stumble and fall;
but those who hope in the LORD

will renew their strength.

They will soar on wings like eagles;

they will run and not grow weary,

they will walk and not be faint." - Isaiah 40:28-31

emotional tv viewer

Going on little sleep and a slightly frustrated attitude, I laid in bed watching Grey's Anatomy and Private Practice last night. Grey's Anatomy, especially, just pulled at my heart strings last night. I know that Izzy is a tv show character, but this story about her cancer just got me. How often do we just pull away from all the people who love us when we really need them the most. We can be afraid to ask for help when we need it. I know if anyone I loved had a medical issue, I would be there in a heartbeat to support them, pray for them, and just love them. I would be so hurt if someone tried to go through an event like that by themselves without asking for help or at least allowing themselves to be open to help. I don't know if I was putting myself in her position or someone I loved, but it was still hard to watch. I hope none of us ever have to go through that, but with the prevelancy of cancer it is inevitable. May God protect us.

feeling old

This weekend I rode with a player from my team and her mom. It worked out great and they were terrific traveling partners. On the way home, the mom was driving and listening to radio stations playing old country songs. When I realized that I was singing to most of the songs, it occurred to me that I must be old, too! With my 27th birthday right around the corner and my metabolism slowly down a little bit . . . I'm starting to feel the affects of age. I know I am not "old," but I am certainly not young anymore. I don't want to be someone who lies about their age or gets so depressed about their age, but it is hard not to think about it. I won't even mention how it is made worse by constant comments about finding a husband.

Last night at small group we talked about the fact that God has created us for one purpose - to magnify his name. I get so caught up in finding my purpose in life and know which direction to take, etc. that I pass by the here and now moments. I don't want the day to come when I am 40 and all I can do is remark about how fast time has flown. I want to soak in every moment of every year and live it to the fullest!

perspective

I am just amazed by how God uses so many unique situations in our lives to teach us things and open our eyes to different things. I'm coaching my team at a tournament in Wisconsin this weekend. We are short a player and have another player joining us from another team, so it's not our normal line-up. Our team is kind of in the middle of the elite teams and the crappy teams. We kill the crappy teams, but when we play the tougher ones we don't look very confident and by the team we remember how to play it's too late to pull out the win. Maybe I should challenge them more and just play tough teams all the time, but it's a toss up. I am pretty tough on them and challenge them to get out of their comfort zone and to work on their mental toughness. I was very frustrated with them after a match we lost which knocked us down to bronze because we didn't decide to play until it was too late. I sulked for a short time then started to get some perspective. I was chatting with one of the moms and she was commenting how one of my players reminded her of a player I coached with her older daughter. They are both named Emily, their hair is similar, and they share strong passion for the game and are both extremely nice and thoughtful. Unfortunately the older Emily died after a car accident a few months after our season ended. It brought back a lot of great memories all while making me a little sad . . . needless to say I was crying a little. We were talking about some of the fun times that group had (which were many). It was a great reminder that what we do is so much more than wins and losses. I got to sit down with my team and remind them that I love them and why I push them so hard. They actually thanked me for pushing them so hard because they know they need it. It was just great to be reaffirmed. They are such a great group, not the most athletic, but such good hearts. I know all my hard work is going to pay off.

I do miss Emily a lot at tournaments like this. She loved everywhere we traveled and always had a great time. She taught me so much about joy and passion and she is always near to my heart. I promised her family to carry her spirit on to all the teams I ever coach. I pray that God opens up opportunities to share her story with them. I also pray that God continues to watch over my team and help them grow and mature in a positive way. I'm so grateful for what I get to do. I don't ever want to take it for granted or complain about the time it takes.

baby shower

Today was such a joy! Al's baby shower was today and it went very well. I absolutely loved planning it for her and it was great to have so many people who love Al in one place. She doesn't always do well in the spotlight (unless she's playing volleyball), but no one could've noticed. When I get the chance to do events like this I can practice my patience and flexibility. I definitely do like to be in control of all situations, but God has taught me so much about that over the last few years. Our trip to South Africa was a huge factor. I work really hard at just going with the flow (I know you should work to do that) and not getting stressed out about little things. In that regard today was a huge success and I think everyone enjoyed themselves.

Sometimes it still is hard to see my friends experiencing these great milestones like getting married or having babies, but I continue to look at my life and know that God is in control. I just bask in their joy and am sincerely full of joy for them and their experiences. I'm so glad for friends that let me be a part of those things. People like Brittany and Al are so open about things and I know all that I learn from them will help when it's my turn. I tend to get caught up with age, but that's not how life works. There's no rhyme or reason with age, just God's timing.

Anywho, what a blast. Now I just want to meet the little guy and start loving on him!