ahhhhhhhhhh

I am so grateful for an outlet to express my emotions! I try to call friends, but don't always like to burden them, but that's usually my only choice because my roommate and I are NEVER home at the same time. Anywho, today was a rough one. My time of the month is right around the corner and it is amazing how quickly I can snap on someone. I had to go into work today 3 separate times for 4 appointments and my boss totally pissed me off and reminded me how much I don't want to work for my company and how much better I could do his job. Then I heard one of my current favorite songs on the radio and got to pondering the lyrics a little bit more . . .

"Free to Be Me" - Francesca Battistelli

At twenty years of age I'm still looking for a
dream
A war's already waged for my
destiny
But You've already won the battle
And You've got great plans for me
Though I can’t always see

‘Cause I got a couple dents in my
fender
Got a couple rips in my jeans
Try to fit the pieces together
But perfection is my enemy
On my own I'm so clumsy
But on Your shoulders I can see
I'm free to be me

When I was just a girl I thought I had it figured
out
My life would turn out right, and I'd make it here
somehow
But things don't always come that easy
And sometimes I would doubt

(Chorus)

And you’re free to be you
Sometimes I believe that I can do
anything
Yet other times I think I've got nothing good to
bring
But You look at my heart and You tell me
That I've got all You seek
And it’s easy to believe
Even though

(Chorus)

Well, I got some dents in my car this week and know I have some rips in my jeans and I already know perfection is my enemy. This is my first year not working in the school system and I miss that changes that happen in the spring . . . it's like a new hope is born. You get new classes, new students, change dorms or apartments, etc. I miss that feeling right now and think I'm getting overwhelmed by the big things going on in my life. I'm trying to be so diligent about praying for Karen and I to find the right house. I've also kind of resigned issues with my job to God. On one hand I think that's a good thing because I don't worry about it as much, but I also don't want to stop praying either . . . I almost feel like I have something to prove to God, like I have to show him how much I trust him with my prayers.

I've always pondered the end of the chorus in this song . . . was does it mean to be "free to be me?" I think when we rely on God totally and we rest on his shoulders then our true selves come out. That's when we enjoy life and others enjoy us. I just hate days like today when I don't feel free to be me. Like no one would care if I didn't come to the Y and no one would know if I ate two hot pockets and two cheesy double beef burritos. Luckily I coach wonderful girls who do miss me if I'm not there who always make me smile.

Lord, help me to wake up tomorrow with a fresh attitude and teach me what it means to truly trust in your timing.

biggest loser

It's no secret that I love the show The Biggest Loser! I don't approve of all the physical tasks they do, but the way they change people's lives is absolutely incredible. Recently I had to pick up the closely shift on Tuesdays so I haven't been able to actually sit and watch it live for a while. Tonight was been wonderful! I pretty much cry through every episode . . . a variety of emotions well up in me while watching the show.

First of all, the fact that I get to do a small percentage of what they do on a daily basis is a gift. People come to me with so many issues that have caused them to be overweight and they are at their wits end of how to fix their situation. I am no savior in this field, but to have a small part in helping my clients change their lives is such a blessing.

The thing that makes me the most sad is having family members that need that same experience so badly. My brother in particular is in such bad shape it's almost like he is dying right in front of my eyes. He is so sensitive if anyone mentions his weight so we're constantly tip toeing around the topic, but we all want to help him so badly. It's like having a family member who smokes and you want to help them quit so badly, but it's up to them to decide to change that behavior and give it up. My mom finally made that change almost two years ago after years of nagging her. I don't want it to take years for my brother to wake up and realize what he is doing to his life and to his family. I pray all the time (probably not enough though) that God would allow me in some way to help him, but nothing has happened yet. I just hope it's not too late before he gets it together. God is the only one that can change him.

I'm just so excited about all the people that get inspired by this show. I know it's TV and there are a lot of other factors that take away from the good stuff on the show, but I love it. Weight is such a struggle for so many people and when they finally realize they are in control of their actions and behaviors and that THEY CAN change their life . . . ahhh it gives me goosebumps!

sports movies

It probably has a lot to do with the fact that I grew up surrounded by sports, but I absolutely love sports movies! I love watching teams pull together and learn important life lessons. I love watching coaches do whatever it takes to pull greatness from their players. And I love watching the underdog win it all. Here's a rundown of some of my top five . . .

Rudy - What Notre Dame fan doesn't love the movie Rudy? I still remember watching this movie for the first time. My grandparents had taken my brother and I on a fun outing to Ft. Wayne when we were younger. We went to the theatre to watch it. There weren't a lot of people in the theatre, but during the scene where the crowd starts chanting Ru-dy we all joined in too. The impossible nature of this scrawny kid actually getting that opportunity always inspires me. I cry every time when he runs out on the field with so elation on his face and then actually sacks the other quarterback . . . what a great feeling!

Hoosiers - Being an Indiana native this one is especially dear to my heart. Although it wasn't as small as Hickory (actually Milan high school in the real story), but I know what it's like to go to a small school and always be the underdog. The big schools never respect you even though you probably have twice as much heart as they do. That's exactly what happens in this movie. I love seeing the looks on their faces when they walk into Hinkle Fieldhouse (which I've been in - amazing!) and they measure the court to make sure it's the same. Doesn't matter where you come from - heart & talent is an unstoppable combination.

Facing the Giants - a friend of mine recommended this movie to me last year and I instantly fell in love. It focuses a little more on the coaching side of sports, which I of course loved. It totally puts into perspective why coaches do what they do. It definitely helped me get my priorities straight. I cried so much the first time I watched it, I have hesitated to watch it again!

Remember the Titans - this movie carries a lot of emotions for me because of how close to home it hits. To be honest I have avoided watching it since Emily's accident because I can't bear to watch the accident scene in the movie. It still remains as one of my favorites, though, because I love how real the players are with one another. Players put a lot of emotions into their sport and you just can glaze over them and get along if you want to have real success. They work through their differences and actually become friends, which doesn't always happen in the athletic arena. I will never get tired of watching Coach Boone carry his daughter around on his shoulders screaming, we're going to win state!

The Rookie (I happen to be watching this movie at the present time.) - I just love how inspiring this movie is. Sometimes when coaches make the transition from the field to the sidelines they totally step away from their playing dreams. Others are not able to let go quite that easy. It takes a lot of guts to sacrifice everything for your dream, a dream that may seem unrealistic to everyone else. I can't imagine what emotional turmoil Jimmy would've been in if he would've walked away knowing he had a real shot at the majors. I'm really looking forward to the scene where he calls home and tells everyone he's going to pitch in the bigs . . . knowing that was what he had waited for all that time (ahhh, the tears are already starting).

Honorable Mentions:

- Miracle

- We are Marshall

- Field of Dreams

- Coach Carter

- Mighty Ducks

communion

This time of year makes it very hard to attend church on a regular basis. I'm often coaching on Sundays or home for family get togethers. I was finally back at KCC this morning . . . albeit by myself again. I don't like going to church by myself, but it has become the norm. I'm hoping that Karen & I will enjoy attending the same church some day, but we'll see.

Anywho, today was communion Sunday. I grew up in a church that did not participate in any formal church rituals like water baptism or communion. The Friends church was originally formed to break away from the Church of England because they put too much emphasis on these things and passed over the importance of a personal relationship with Christ. I am very grateful for my upbringing at Wabash Friends. Everytime I go home I feel so loved and feel the presence of God. I love singing the old hymms and knowing that I'll always have a place there. When I went to college, I began to ask a lot of questions about communion and became very interested. I can't remember for sure, but I am almost certain I took communion for the first time at KCC. It was a terrific experience because it made Christ's sacrifice really come alive for me and became quite real. I enjoy participating in communion now. It is a great time of remembrance. It's not about doing it because we have to, but because we want to, which was the original intention.

It felt so good to be at church again this morning. We sang about the wondrous cross and how amazing God's love is and I just felt God was sitting right next to me reminding me how much He cares for and loves me. I will never get tired of that feeling and pray that I never take it for granted.

God placed a lot of thoughts in my head during the service. One was about making sure I am remembering that all I have is a gift from God. I want to be more diligent about my finances and make sure I am giving back to the Lord. Not so he will bless what I give, but because I want to honor Him in that way. The message was about praying for those in our circle who may not know the Lord. God places this thought on my heart every once in a while and I find that I will pray for them for a couple weeks then give up. I want to be diligent about that and trust that God is hearing my prayers even though he might not answer them right away.

May God bless you and keep you and make His face shine upon you.

mama al

I had such an AMAZING experience today - I got to see one of my bestest friends in her new role as a mom! She gave birth to a beautiful boy yesterday. His name is Kenyon Bruce Sagraves and he was a pretty big baby - 8 lb. 14 oz. She ended up having to push for 3 hours and her epideral had worn off by then . . . needless to say delivery was not ideal, but she was in such good spirits today. I am just so proud of her. I got to hold Kenyon for a little while and dress him in his first outfit. He is just so cute! The best part of the day was watching Al just cuddle with Kenyon and then perform basic mommy tasks. I was pretty sure Kenyon had pooped while I was holding him and sure enough when she went to change his diaper it was full. While she was changing him, he was screaming and proceeding to continue peeing and pooping. Al remained calm and just did her thing and was never frazzled by all the crying. Then she attempted nursing while I was there. He didn't latch on till I left, but it was still a cool experience. I am rather jealous of her, although I know that's not where my life is at right now. I am just so thankful that she has allowed me to share in her pregnancy and can't wait to watch this little guy grow up.

So, Allison . . . soak in every second and know that I am so proud of you. You and Aaron are going to be great parents! Love you lots!

coaching blessings

This past weekend was kind of a struggle for my team. We were down to 7 players again with a not so ideal line-up and we played some tougher competition. My team started off really well and then we went through our normal struggle against better teams. I spend 80% of the time convincing them to just have fun no matter who were are playing and just give it their all. We lost 3 of our 4 matches in the 3rd game some 15-13. I think that made the losses a little more frustrating because we were so close to winning so many of our matches. Every time we would lose, though, I couldn'tbe mad at them because they did put forth ample effort, we just couldn't execute. Although I wasn't really made, I did wear my frustration on my face a little too much.

This morning I check my email and Brandon, my assistant, has emailed everyone. He has never done this and I was a little perturb at first. Then I read it and he was so encouraging to the girls and right on with everything. Then I got an email from one of the parents. I coached her older daughter on a much better 16s team. She was so encouraging about how much the girls have improved and how much fun they are having. I was totally on the same page with her, but it was just so wonderful to get emails like that today. Although it is very tiring, coaching is so rewarding . . . I am so glad God gave me the abilities to do this profession.

long time no write

It's been almost two weeks since I have divulged my inner most thoughts on this thing called a blog. I've actually been without my laptop for almost 14 days. I took it to the Geek Squad at Best Buy to get a check up because it was covered under my service plan and I was going to be on vacation anyway. Well, they are so slow and when they found out that I had a virus they wanted $140 to fix it. I went in there last night and said I want my computer and I'm not giving you any money . . . so mad! I hate being a witch about stuff like that, but come on people, that was ridiculous.

Being without my computer was a good thing. I did check my email a little while I was gone on vacation, but did not respond and went almost 7 days without facebook . . . it was a good feeling. My vacation did not go exactly how I would've liked, but it was still okay. I envisioned just driving to the beach for a couple of full sun days, but no one else had that plan. It was nice to catch up with my family in Florida. Their lives are both different and the same . . . I wanted to ask them if they thought I was different since they last saw me. Sometimes I thought they still saw me as their little cousin. Oh well . . . I got to feel the Florida sun! :) I did get to spend some good time reflecting on God's word and writing in my journal. I'm always grateful for those quite moments and the ability to feel God's presence.

I had more family time over Easter . . . what can I say? My family is crazy! Specifically my brother. He shows up after we have all eaten a great lunch prepared mostly by my Grandma who works took hard for all of us. They had stopped at McDonalds on the way because their kids do not eat regular food. They proceed to fill their plates, but I'm pretty sure the SIL didn't like anything except the green bean casserole, which she finally tried after years of assuming she wouldn't like it . . . who doesn't like green bean casserole?! Then they proceeded to get the boys cups of Coke (yes, regular coke . . . do you know how much sugar is in coke?). And they wonder why the children are unmanageable at times. Then they asked if Levi could have a head start in the Easter Egg hunt. Nevermind that Aaron was helping him anyway. What are they teaching this kid? He's going to expect everything to be handed to him for the rest of his life. I pity any coach or teacher he ever has because it's going to be impossible to teach him discipline or humility. Then they left 2 hours later . . . nice visit . . . neither Aaron of his wife said two words to me. Whatever. Is it bad that I only want to get married and have kids so I can show them that even though it is hard to be a spouse and parent is hard, you can do it without taking advantage of everyone around you and disrespecting everyone else?

Life is getting back to the grind. I'm starting my new schedule at work, which I think should be okay. I will never like closing on Tuesdays b/c I have to miss a great night of TV, but TV is not everything . . . I will survive. Spring is always a wonderful time of year that I love. It has always meant change, even more so when I was working in a school setting. This year will be a little different, but it's still a fun time. As soon as I get over this cold, I plan to enjoy it even more. Whew . . . that's the update from me sitting in my bed on this dreary day.