perfectionism

I believe perfectionism should be classified as a mental disorder. It can really cause damage to a person's psyche. I admit that I suffer from this. I want to be the best at whatever I do mainly because I believe I can be and why not pursue what you know you are capable of. There are a few negative effects of perfectionism, though. For starters you can cause yourself a lot of stress in the process. You also cut yourself off from other things that might distract you from your task at hand.

As I've gotten older, I have definitely improved in this area of trying to be perfect at every little thing. The area I struggle with the most now is being perfect in life. Trying to make every perfect decision and following God's plan for my life perfectly. This is not a good decision, it goes against the freedom that God has granted us.

The whole reason these ideas are on my mind is because of some late-night tv channel flipping. I hate watching commercials and like scanning all the channels. It drives others crazy, but I often find things I would never see. Some nights I stop on the school board meeting or get caught watching HSN or QVC. One night I stopped on one of the Christian channels and a woman (unsure of who she is) was leading a lesson with a small group of women. She was talking about being perfect. God has given us gifts, but He has never called us to be perfect at using our gifts. If that is what we are pursuing we will fall every time. It's okay to be good.

How hard is that for you to say? It's hard for me sometimes, but the times I can get that to sink in my head I am so much happier. Others aren't annoyed by my desire to be perfect, which is good, and I am not stressed out if things are perfect. A constant reminder - It's okay to be good.

See my channel flipping actually did some good! :)

seriously?

So this being my birthday week and all, I was planning on a fabulous week. The to do list was getting smaller and I was feeling good about my job and life was good . . . then it seemed like the wheels fell off. I am usually the optimistic person in life. I'm the one always telling people that it's going to be okay and that God is in control and blah, blah, blah. For some reason over the last 24 hours I cannot get those thoughts to seek in for me. The Y is cutting back significant hours and I have no idea how I will be affected. Not the best time because the class I was teaching is wrapping up and I'm going on vacation at the end of next week. Also, I have a player quitting my team and just refuses to communicate with me. I honestly am over it, but feel like the girls are getting hurt by her decision. Then today at work when emotions were running high, I said something that made someone mad. I apologized, but could tell they were still mad about it. I hate when that happens because I know I was in the wrong, but can't get past it. All these things are usually things that I can handle without problem, but I guess I just reached a breaking point pretending that my life is fine. It is fine, but maybe not as stable as I woud like. I KNOW things will work out and be okay and that God is just preparing me for things ahead, but it's just not sinking in!

I have been going to God with my frustrations and trying to give it up to him. He has answered my prayers in interesting ways today. I actually did my devotions before work this morning (at 4:45 a.m.) and it included Isaiah 40:28-31, which always renews my spirit. Then when I checked my email, I got a facebook message that someone I haven't talked to since college prayed for me last night. Then I got messages from two great friends supporting me today. Then as I left work, a co-worker encouraged me and reminding me that I will be fine. It was almost too much encouragement to handle, but definitely God speaking to me. It would be so easy for me to avoid everyone who cares about me and wallow in self-pity, but I'm not going to. I will enjoy my birthday and not tell myself that I am old even though I feel that way.

"Do you not know?

Have you not heard?

The LORD is the everlasting God,

the Creator of the ends of the earth.

He will not grow tired or weary,

and his understanding no one can fathom.
He gives strength to the weary

and increases the power of the weak.
Even youths grow tired and weary,

and young men stumble and fall;
but those who hope in the LORD

will renew their strength.

They will soar on wings like eagles;

they will run and not grow weary,

they will walk and not be faint." - Isaiah 40:28-31

emotional tv viewer

Going on little sleep and a slightly frustrated attitude, I laid in bed watching Grey's Anatomy and Private Practice last night. Grey's Anatomy, especially, just pulled at my heart strings last night. I know that Izzy is a tv show character, but this story about her cancer just got me. How often do we just pull away from all the people who love us when we really need them the most. We can be afraid to ask for help when we need it. I know if anyone I loved had a medical issue, I would be there in a heartbeat to support them, pray for them, and just love them. I would be so hurt if someone tried to go through an event like that by themselves without asking for help or at least allowing themselves to be open to help. I don't know if I was putting myself in her position or someone I loved, but it was still hard to watch. I hope none of us ever have to go through that, but with the prevelancy of cancer it is inevitable. May God protect us.

feeling old

This weekend I rode with a player from my team and her mom. It worked out great and they were terrific traveling partners. On the way home, the mom was driving and listening to radio stations playing old country songs. When I realized that I was singing to most of the songs, it occurred to me that I must be old, too! With my 27th birthday right around the corner and my metabolism slowly down a little bit . . . I'm starting to feel the affects of age. I know I am not "old," but I am certainly not young anymore. I don't want to be someone who lies about their age or gets so depressed about their age, but it is hard not to think about it. I won't even mention how it is made worse by constant comments about finding a husband.

Last night at small group we talked about the fact that God has created us for one purpose - to magnify his name. I get so caught up in finding my purpose in life and know which direction to take, etc. that I pass by the here and now moments. I don't want the day to come when I am 40 and all I can do is remark about how fast time has flown. I want to soak in every moment of every year and live it to the fullest!

perspective

I am just amazed by how God uses so many unique situations in our lives to teach us things and open our eyes to different things. I'm coaching my team at a tournament in Wisconsin this weekend. We are short a player and have another player joining us from another team, so it's not our normal line-up. Our team is kind of in the middle of the elite teams and the crappy teams. We kill the crappy teams, but when we play the tougher ones we don't look very confident and by the team we remember how to play it's too late to pull out the win. Maybe I should challenge them more and just play tough teams all the time, but it's a toss up. I am pretty tough on them and challenge them to get out of their comfort zone and to work on their mental toughness. I was very frustrated with them after a match we lost which knocked us down to bronze because we didn't decide to play until it was too late. I sulked for a short time then started to get some perspective. I was chatting with one of the moms and she was commenting how one of my players reminded her of a player I coached with her older daughter. They are both named Emily, their hair is similar, and they share strong passion for the game and are both extremely nice and thoughtful. Unfortunately the older Emily died after a car accident a few months after our season ended. It brought back a lot of great memories all while making me a little sad . . . needless to say I was crying a little. We were talking about some of the fun times that group had (which were many). It was a great reminder that what we do is so much more than wins and losses. I got to sit down with my team and remind them that I love them and why I push them so hard. They actually thanked me for pushing them so hard because they know they need it. It was just great to be reaffirmed. They are such a great group, not the most athletic, but such good hearts. I know all my hard work is going to pay off.

I do miss Emily a lot at tournaments like this. She loved everywhere we traveled and always had a great time. She taught me so much about joy and passion and she is always near to my heart. I promised her family to carry her spirit on to all the teams I ever coach. I pray that God opens up opportunities to share her story with them. I also pray that God continues to watch over my team and help them grow and mature in a positive way. I'm so grateful for what I get to do. I don't ever want to take it for granted or complain about the time it takes.