doesn't make sense

I continue to question why I am so busy and yet not rich! I honestly do not have a complaining spirit right now, but my life is just crazy. Let me just give you a rundown and everything I've had to do this week: personal training appointment, wellness coach hours, preparing for the move it to lose it class, exercising, dishes, laundry, small group, devotions, farout emails (too many to count), updating farout website, planning practices for all teams, updating mivca website, sending out baby shower invites, teaching move it to lose it, doing one-on-one asessments, volunteering at a school, reading, cleaning, grocery shopping, and pay bills. It's amazing how everything always seems to get done . . . God really has blessed my time since I have started committing more of it to him. I'm struggling with my commitment this week because I've had to get up earlier again and just want to sleep, but I have to make it a priority.

One of the extra things I did add to my schedule this week was helping teach a couple elementary P.E. classes today. It was at an elementary in the Grand Rapids Public Schools district. I had one group of 4th graders and one of 2nd graders. The teacher got my name from another teacher I helped out and needed some more ideas on teaching volleyball. It was a lot more challenging than I was prepared for. The kids are not really focused on listening when they come to P.E. They only get to go to this class once a week for 35 minutes! I tried to be patient, but it was difficult. These students do not have good home lives and 95% of the school on are reduced lunches. Everytime I'm around kids like that it breaks my heart even though they are quite unruly. I definitely couldn't imagine being around them everyday, but it was fun although challenging. I'm going to add that teacher to my prayer list for sure!

work without complaining

It's no secret that my job situation is not the best, but I'm trying to make the most out of it. God is certainly teaching me a lot through my job. This is one of the busiest week's I've had in a while, which is good because I'm making money . . . it's just an exhausting schedule. Yesterday I was praying constantly for a positive attitude and got through my shift without complaining! I wanted to so bad, but was so proud of myself that I didn't. I know that takes a little of the humility out of it, but we must take baby steps here. Today is very dichotomous. It's crappy because I have two shifts: 5:30-10 a.m. and 4-10 p.m.. The other side is very encouraging b/c I started the Move It to Lose It group today. I am so excited to work with my group of 8 helping them in their weight loss journey . . . this is really why I chose this new career. It's just amazing how God continues to bless me even when I think things are hopeless. He continues to renew my spirit and give me hope simply because I am trust in Him. That's all I have time for today . . . God bless!

prayer walk

We were challenged in our prayer workshop this week to do 3 prayer walks. These could be adjusted to a prayer drive or run, etc. I did a prayer drive on my way home from practice last night. First of all, it was a great practice -- girls were enthused and energetic, I got to do a lot of coaching, and we actually got better. So, I got in the car, turned the radio off and prayed this whole way home. I prayed for schools and businesses that I passed. I prayed for the families in the houses that I drove by. I also prayed for churches that I went by. I tried to let the Lord prompt my prayers and guide me. The drive went so fast and it was so rewarding. Next time I think I will try doing it out loud. It is so fulfilling to be in constant conversation with God and to know the He has called us to pray and that he is just waiting on us to pray so he can unleash his will on his people. I'm finding I can't pray enough because I have so much I want to pray for.

I hope God prompts you to do a prayer walk this week and that he blesses you through it.

a moment in history

So I'll admit that I did not vote for Barack Obama, but by the end of the campaign I could have definitely went either way. I had strong convictions that either man would do a quality job and respect them as quality men. Today as I have watched the coverage of the inauguaration, I cannot help but think of what a moment in history today was. I will certainly remember where I was when I saw our first African American president take the oath of office much like I remember where I was on Sept. 11, 2001 and other historical events that have happened during my lifetime. I will never try to imagine the feelings and emotions that all African Americans are having today because I just don't know what it is like to walk in their footsteps each and every day. I still was moved by the site of all the people on the national mall who came to hear President Obama's speech and witness history.

My heart is certainly heaving for both President Bush and President Obama. Life is going to change so drastically for President Bush and I pray that he feels a sense of peace and that God does protect him from harm. President Obama has such a huge task ahead of him and so people are looking to him as a savior for all of our country's problems. I pray for humility and wisdom as President Obama makes decisions for our nation. I also pray that God would protect him from hard, especially from those who expect so much from him and knowing he will not meet these extremely high expectations. May our nation be overcome with such passion to do good in our world each and every day and to have love for our neighbor be our strongest motivation.

blessings

God has really reignited my passion for church. I do love going and love feeling his presence there. I love singing and worshipping Him through song and feel God speaking direclty to me throughout the service and during the message. During every service they open the front up for people to come and kneel before God with their burdens or praises. I sit in the gallery so I can watch the people go down there and I am moved every single time. To see people surrendering to God and to see others kneel with them and lay a hand on their shoulder just makes me think that's what true friendship is and what it means to be a part of the body of Christ. We sang a song called Everlasting God that has words direclty from Isaiah 40 in it:

Do you not know?
Have you not heard?
The LORD is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary,
and his understanding no one can fathom.
He gives strength to the weary
and increases the power of the weak.
Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall;
but those who hope in the LORD
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.

Verse 31 of this passage was my 2005 club team's verse and every time I hear it tears come into my eyes because I think of Emily up in Heaven and just soaring like an eagle. But all the words talk about this journey that we are on and that it is long and tiresome, but when we hope in the Lord our strength will be renewed and he will reward us. It was just such an encouraging word this morning.

Then leaving church Dez suggested we go to lunch and it just made my heart smile again and feel so loved. Sundays I usually end up being alone and they can discourage me a little, but today God brought a wonderful blessing. We had a great visit and realized that God was doing very similiar things in our lives this week through our devotional time. God is so good and He really is all we need.

positiveness in the middle of crap

So after our prayer workshop we were challenged to do some homework including daily devotions and trying out different prayer models. So far so good for me. We talked about how God really does reward us when we commit our resources (i.e. time) to him and I have really felt that this week. Even though lots of things seem to be going wrong (like getting sick - yuck!, probably have a cavity and not having dental insurance, losing another player to injury, etc.) God is helping me keep my attitude in check. I have been able to let things roll off my back and not stay quite as upset. Granted I am wallowing in self-pity today because I do not feel good, but I am not blaming anyone . . . it's life and it happens.

wowsers . . .

what a night! Our small group decided to go to this 3 week prayer workshop in place of our regular meeting. Night one was already very informative and quite convicting. There is so much about our spiritual life that is hard to get our head around, but one of the hardest is the trinity. Our leader demonstrated for us that when we first sinned in the Garden of Eden we messed up how the trinity was originally designed to allow us to communicate on an extremely deep and intimate level. But since God is SO loving he sent his son to die for us and forgive us of our sins . . . He literally gave up a piece of Himself for us because He loves us that much. We do have the holy spirit to help us communicate and converse with God, but that's one of the reasons that prayer is so hard because we don't have that perfect connection that we were meant to have in the Garden of Eden.

We talked about barriers and obstacles that prevent us from having a strong prayer life. My main one is time and busyness, but we came up with some good solutions to start overcoming this. First and foremost, is that I have NOTHING to do with making this change in my spiritual life. God is the only one that can teach me to make time for prayer and change my heart. I am trusting that He will answer this prayer of mine and show up in big ways in my life.

At church yesterday I was also strongly convicted by a passage from Philippians 4: "Rejoice in the Lord always, I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evient to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." I have found myself worrying so much about what lies ahead and I am missing a lot of the present. So what I don't have the greatest job right now? There are so many things I'm learning and blessings I'm receiving . . . people generally love when I work with them and help them and I enjoy helping them.

My anthem of late has been the song: "'Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus." The words from that song give me hope everyday, but I can't just cling to that hope and seek to get through the day. I want to live each day and see how God shows up!

Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus
And to take him at his word;
Just to rest upon his promise,
And to know, "Thus saith the Lord."

Jesus, Jesus, how I trust him!
How I've proved him o'er and o'er!
Jesus, Jesus, precious Jesus!
O for grace to trust him more!

I'm so glad I learned to trust thee,
Precious Jesus, Savior, friend;
And I know that thou art with me,
Wilt be with me to the end.

resisting the voice

So when I lived in Upland, it was so easy to hear that negative voice in my head always cutting me down and discouraging me and making me think that things were hopeless. I got so sick of being lonely and by myself because that was the only voice I could hear. Once of the reasons I moved back to GR was to be around people, mainly my friends. When I'm with them I feel vibrant and confident. However, they have lives and aren't always able to hang out, but I don't really have a lot of other friends. So when I am alone, like now, that voice starts to get louder and louder. I'm trying really hard to keep it quiet by focusing on the positive . . . like the fact that my team went undefeated today and looked better than I thought they would and that I just bought a plane ticket to Florida in April and will be able to see my cousins and uncle who I haven't seen since my aunt died. Also, things like being in a warm house (pretty warm compared to outside) and having a reliable car and plenty of clothes and food. My life is not bad, it's actually pretty good, but it's so easy to get depressed and sad when things don't go your way. So I will be eating graham crackers and frosting in a few minutes, but I will not feel sorry for myself. I am smart and beautiful and funny and nice and it's okay to spend a night alone . . . I will survive . . . I did it for 3 years!

so not ready

I got an email from my small group leader asking me if I was interested in becoming an apprentice small group leader. I was very flattered that she asked me, but I am so not in a good place right now to be leading others. I understand that the leader doesn't have to and shouldn't be perfect, but I don't think I could add one more thing nor have the responsibility of mentoring others when I have so much stuff I need to work through. I am slightly frustrated with our small group, but I am trying to be patient and hopeful that we will really be challenged. We are going to a prayer workshop for the next 3 weeks, which I am excited about. That is an area of my life that I really need help with.

On a side note, another cousin of mine just got engaged. It's very exciting, but kind of depressing, too, because she is next to the youngest on my dad's side (the youngest just got married). Don't get me wrong I am thrilled for her and hope to help with the planning, but seriously, what's the deal???

The last couple days have been good. I'm adjusting to my schedule (not getting up at 4 a.m. . . . yippee!) and working on eating well and enjoying exercise (a.k.a. running) and having quiet time each days. I refuse to succumb to the winter blahs!

a huge downer

Just as I was really starting to get excited about my team and getting to know them better, one of my players is probably out for the rest of the season. Seriously?! I'm so sad for her and know that she needs to take care of herself for lifelong function, but it really sucks for me and the rest of us. Plus I don't have anyone else in her position and probably need to take a player from another team, but don't want to do that to another team. Ahhh . . . more obstacles to overcome. Doesn't God realize that I've mastered the art of perserverance? I've been absorbing myself is depressing/inspiring music lately and I'm thinking of a line . . . "He never said it would be easy, but He said He'll see us through it all." I'm holding on . . .

here goes

This is something I've wanted to do for a while and Karen has inspired me to finally start. I always have so many thoughts going on in my head and feelings in my heart and they are hard to keep track of. I also don't share them enough and can get overwhelmed easily . . . thus I cry a lot. Becky always says she is jealous that I can share my emotions so easily, but I mostly get annoyed by it.

When I moved to Grand Rapids I was scared and prepared for struggles, but this has been the best and worst time of my life. Hanging out with friends, making so many memories, and sharing so many laughs has been what I was really missing in my life. On the career side, it has been so frustrating. I'm loving what I do more and more everyday, but it's hard to see a long-term future at the Y. Having faith is not something I usually struggle with, but trusting in God's timing is pretty hard right now. I need to be doing my part in drawing closer to Him and listening for His voice . . . I am determined to hear Him.

That's all for now . . .