such a time as this

The key verse in the book of Esther is when Mordecai asks her, don't you know that you've been called to this place for "such a time as this?" I cannot help, but believe that I have also been called for such a time as this. I moved back to Grand Rapids with some amount of uncertainty in regards to my future, but still had tremendous faith that God had something great in store for me. I'm at such a crossroads right now and am even more confident in my beliefs, but cannot get some doubts out of my head. Has God brought me thus far just to teach me another lesson on faith and perseverance? If so, I'm not sure I can handle it . . . on my own at least I can't. Am I worthy of this position that God has placed before me? I know I am, but if the others don't see it, how will that affect my confidence and my future opportunities. I don't know what else is out there.

Friday morning our verse of the day in the bathroom was "Faith is hoping in the unknown and being certain of what we cannot see." As I sit and wait I am clinging to this verse and the verse that corresponds with one of our scenarios from the Esther study. The scenario is "It's tough being a woman who can balance passion with patience." In these situations we can cling to this verse Isaiah 30:18: "Yet the Lord longs to be gracious to you; he rises to show you compassion. For the Lord is a God of justice. Blessed are all who wait for him!" I refuse to wait for a specific outcome or be defined by the decision. I am delighting in the fact that God has my best interest at heart and just waiting with every ounce of patience I can muster to wait on my Lord.

reversal of destiny

As I have mentioned before I joined a Beth Moore bible study in the fall on the book of Esther. We only have 2 more sessions left, which makes me sad because I have learned so much from this bible study and feel like a changed person. The entire book is based on the concept of "Reversal of Destiny" as we see Esther go from such a humble upbringing to becoming queen and saving her people. As we have gone through the study, Beth has related the content to 7 different scenarios describing why It's Tough Being a Woman. The last one we had talked about why women feel like we have to figure out the how of every situation. Ahhh, so much to share, I think I need to take a breath . . .

. . . So the other source of teaching I've been receiving lately has been from church where we've been going through a sermon on Joseph and dreams. Needless to say after my experience last month I definitely related to the concepts of shattered dreams and feeling like God had forgotten about me.

Going through such an intense time of learning and growing has been tiring and exhausting. I have tried to cling to the positive aspect that God cares so much to teach me all of these tasty morsels. It has made the book we're reading about singleness in small group seem like an easy piece of non-fiction because that subject matter is so far from my mind right now, which is pretty unbelievable!

So this brings me to my reversal of destiny. A wonderful new opportunity has been presented to me and it's very close to coming to fruition. It's something that I never would have pictured for myself, but something that makes me very excited. I'm trying to remain cautiously enthusiastic, but also have faith that God would bless me with such a wonderful opportunity because he loves me enough to do that . . . such a battle in my heart. It's also an opportunity that I'm not quite sure how it would actually play out in my life, but again that's God's department to take care of the how of the situations we face. Can you see why my head and heart are so full right now . . . all of the messages coming together at the same time. It's so hard to dream again after a shattered dream, but I'm clinging to trust and faith because that's what gets us through when we can't even see our own hand in front of our face.

Lord, help me balance all of these feelings and emotions and prepare me to handle whatever opportunity you bring me. Amen.

a heavy heart

God is definitely bringing me through this dark time with great friends that I can count on . . . all I have to do is ask for help. The next step is still unknown, but I am waiting on the Lord to show up, not on the perfect job or perfect man to come my way.

My heart is heavy for all of my friends that are having their own internal struggles themselves. Lord, show me how to put their needs before my own and do my best to support them without forgetting to fill up my own heart with you and lay my burdens at your feet.

My heart is especially heavy for one friend in particular who is going through something that is my worst fear. Whatever happens I know she will get through it clinging to her faith because you have worked wonders in her heart, but my heart is just breaking for her. Lord, please protect her.

telling the truth

God finally got me last night . . . I guess one can only run so far. As I have said I've been struggling with a lot of things for the last few weeks/months and have bottled a lot of things inside. Partly because it's just easier that way and partly because I get sick of spilling my guts when a lot of my friends never spill their guts and I feel like it's my own pity party all the time. Anywho, one of my friends finally made me spill it last night and after a half an hour of crying, talking (some yelling), and hugging it did feel good to get some things off my chest. And as I predicted I awoke to puffy eyes. I feel like those random surveys that go around should have a special question for me . . . When was the last day you didn't cry.

So today I made myself sit down and do my Esther bible study. Low and behold it was about telling the truth. It talked about how the truth might be hard to tell, but it really is harder to hold it in then actually talk about it. For the last year I have never been confronted with more truths from bible studies and sermons that fit the current state I am in . . . as much as I do feel sorry for myself, I am grateful that God cares enough about me to work so hard on my heart.

Over the weekend I watched one of my favorite movies: Facing the Giants. Such a great message (I think I've blogged about it before) and makes me cry (of course!). I downloaded one of the songs from the movie and its words have impacted me so much. I'll share them with you today:

Time after time you've been left behind
Like the sun when it's starting to rain
Time after time you've been forgotten
Like a picture that's faded with age
Time after time you ran after me
When I was still running away

You never give up on me
No, you never give up on me
Though I'm weak you are strong
You told me I still belong
No, you never, never give up on me

Time after time I've used your grace
As a way to do what I please
I've taken for granted prayers that you answered
Never been all I could be
You are holding out your hands
And now I clearly see

Chorus

You always erase all my mistakes
You lift me up when I'm down
Through all the ages, your love never changes
You welcome me just as I am

Chorus

~You Never Give Up on Me by Josh Bates

food for my soul

It has purposely been a while since my last post. Honestly I could write something on here everyday, but I have been in somewhat of a funk since the New Year began and I did not want to start off on a depressive & negative note on my blog for 2010. So much like I do with life I just avoided the topics I've been struggling with and continue to have a screaming match with God.

My one saving grace during this phase has been the club team I am coaching. I have 15 year olds this year (freshmen). They have so much to learn in terms of volleyball, which means I'm exhausted after EVERY practice. However, they work so hard and handle everything I throw at them and they have laughed together from day one. It's a very diverse group so for them to be so comfortable with each other so soon is such a success to me. While some coaches may dread the extra commitment in their schedule, I would be lost without it and I'm so thankful for this opportunity I have.

They actually sleptover at the Ganderson last night and I just sat in my room laughing at their funny stories and constant laughter. We have our first tournament today and I'm looking forward to see how they bond during a competitive situation. Should be fun assuming they got enough sleep last night!

a new year

I suppose it is fitting that I blog on this historic day of resolutions, although I don't really have any specific resolutions for the new year. Last year I did decide to become a blogger and 60 posts later I am glad I did it. Along with my journal (the first I've managed to write in regularly and fill up), it has been great to take time and reflect on what God has been teaching, which has been a lot, and just share some of my random thoughts with others.

After a year and a half of being excited about life again and feeling a little bit of purpose and direction again, I must say I am struggling with the feelings of limbo that I'm having. A bit of depression is creeping into my soul and I am desperately trying to run to God instead of running away from him because he is my mighty rock and my refuge. If I have learned anything at all this year it is how to love God more deeply and and that he greatly desires for me to love him in return.

I wouldn't say that I have any resolutions, but I will continue to strive to avoid my selfish ambitions and to put others' interests before my own. This is a continual challenge of mine that I am somewhat shameful of, but am grateful for God's grace to know I can repent of these things and strive to improve.

The year 2009 was truly a great one, just like all the others I've been blessed to have because they have all been gifts from God. Yes, some bad and sad things have happened, but I will not complain about them. This past year was a year of reconnecting with great friends and remembering what it's like to live near those special loved ones. It's been a year of great travel, which I'm excited to do more of next year. It's been a year of trusting as God has changed some of my dreams and clouded my view of the future.

Above all I want to make 2010 about following God's way and His commands. May he be the center of your new year and all the days to come.