ahhhhhhhhhh

I am so grateful for an outlet to express my emotions! I try to call friends, but don't always like to burden them, but that's usually my only choice because my roommate and I are NEVER home at the same time. Anywho, today was a rough one. My time of the month is right around the corner and it is amazing how quickly I can snap on someone. I had to go into work today 3 separate times for 4 appointments and my boss totally pissed me off and reminded me how much I don't want to work for my company and how much better I could do his job. Then I heard one of my current favorite songs on the radio and got to pondering the lyrics a little bit more . . .

"Free to Be Me" - Francesca Battistelli

At twenty years of age I'm still looking for a
dream
A war's already waged for my
destiny
But You've already won the battle
And You've got great plans for me
Though I can’t always see

‘Cause I got a couple dents in my
fender
Got a couple rips in my jeans
Try to fit the pieces together
But perfection is my enemy
On my own I'm so clumsy
But on Your shoulders I can see
I'm free to be me

When I was just a girl I thought I had it figured
out
My life would turn out right, and I'd make it here
somehow
But things don't always come that easy
And sometimes I would doubt

(Chorus)

And you’re free to be you
Sometimes I believe that I can do
anything
Yet other times I think I've got nothing good to
bring
But You look at my heart and You tell me
That I've got all You seek
And it’s easy to believe
Even though

(Chorus)

Well, I got some dents in my car this week and know I have some rips in my jeans and I already know perfection is my enemy. This is my first year not working in the school system and I miss that changes that happen in the spring . . . it's like a new hope is born. You get new classes, new students, change dorms or apartments, etc. I miss that feeling right now and think I'm getting overwhelmed by the big things going on in my life. I'm trying to be so diligent about praying for Karen and I to find the right house. I've also kind of resigned issues with my job to God. On one hand I think that's a good thing because I don't worry about it as much, but I also don't want to stop praying either . . . I almost feel like I have something to prove to God, like I have to show him how much I trust him with my prayers.

I've always pondered the end of the chorus in this song . . . was does it mean to be "free to be me?" I think when we rely on God totally and we rest on his shoulders then our true selves come out. That's when we enjoy life and others enjoy us. I just hate days like today when I don't feel free to be me. Like no one would care if I didn't come to the Y and no one would know if I ate two hot pockets and two cheesy double beef burritos. Luckily I coach wonderful girls who do miss me if I'm not there who always make me smile.

Lord, help me to wake up tomorrow with a fresh attitude and teach me what it means to truly trust in your timing.