a new beginning

I have decided to go a different route with my blogging. I was missing it so much and had to come up with something. If you would like to follow me you can do so at gratefulgarner@blogspot.com.

MIA

For the few of you who actually read my blog you may have wondered if I'm still alive and kicking . . . well, indeed I am. For much of the summer I have intentionally avoided this thing questioning why I really have it and wondering if it's good for me. To be honest about 90% of the time if the my only form of sharing what I'm actually feeling. I kind of got sick of having to spill my guts on the computer to my virtual friends instead of people really being interested in my life or having people share their life with me in person. So I said enough is enough . . . I'm boycotting. I know I can be a bit childish at times and this is a prime example. I don't have a ton to say . . . I don't process life too much these days. It's actually kind of depressing as I've tried to really lower my expectations in life to avoid a lot of hurt I've had the last several months. I'm transitioning into a very bittersweet time. I'm starting my first regular season with my DU team and I am so excited. They are already teaching me a lot and I see a great purpose for me being there. However, I know that they are really some of the only human interaction I am going to have for the next several months. It won't be much different than my life now, but I'm just unsure how much longer I can live this way. I won't go into a pitty party for my lonliness right now, but I can just see those times ahead. It would be so great to have someone to share the great stories I forsee, but currently there really isn't anyone I feel great about sharing things with. Hopefully things can turn around in my mind and my heart . . . only God can move mountains and I feel like there's one sitting right on my chest.

plate spinner

It feels like everywhere I turn everyone keeps asking how I'm doing . . . usually my answer is fine followed by I'm just trying to juggle everything. Most days I feel like someone spinning about 10 plates and I have to constantly work to keep them all spinning. I am so ready to just throw a bunch of them out of the window because my life is exhausting!

This last week and weekend was pretty much the epitome of my life right now. I ran from the Y to DU to FaR Out to the house to bible study to counseling and who knows what else. This weekend we had the AAU State Tournament in town, which I was really excited about because I felt like it was going to be a great weekend for my team. I went from coaching them Saturday morning to recruiting in the afternoon to helping set up to host courts on Sunday at Davenport to an open house. I finally got home around 9:15 after sitting for about an hour all day. I was so excited for a full night's sleep because I had to get up at 6 a.m. the next day. I was snuggling in and falling asleep when I heard a loud boom and our power went out. I looked out the window to find that part of our neighbor's dead tree had fallen onto our front porch knocking down all of our power lines and messing up the front porch. I was so hysterical because I was so exhausted. I got very little sleep due to the adrenaline and the power company coming at 1:30 a.m.

The next day I was back in the gym. My team had a rough start, but rebounding well. We pulled out some close wins and ended up finishing 2nd overall . . . it was pretty awesome! The sad thing was I wasn't able to fully enjoy it because I was still running around recruiting, I could barely stay awake, and I had a 2 hour mandatory meeting at the Y. I'll be the first one to say that I like being busy, but this is getting ridiculous. I'm hopeful for the day when I can put all of my energy into one thing and make it great. Hopefully God will provide so that will happen.

my best

So this club season is almost over and it has not been an easy one. Usually this is my favorite time of year, but this spring with my new job at DU I definitely was biting off more than I could chew. Unfortunately because of this my girls have not gotten my best . . . that is a really large pill to swallow for me. We got off to a great start, but quickly were off different pages. I was pushing them to be great and to be quite frank they are not great. This led to a lot of frustration on both parts. They didn't always trust that my motivation was sincere and that really hurt me. I'm just accepting that they are okay with being okay and trying to be more encouraging and positive with them. We have 3 tournaments left and I just really want to finish on a positive note. I'm off for the 1st of 3 and am looking forward to a great weekend.

living proof

I went to the Living Proof event here in GR this weekend. Beth Moore was the keynote speaker and the worship/praise team leader was Travis Cottrell. I have been so excited for this for a while. I did my first Beth Moore bible study this year and it really changed my life so I knew hearing her in person would be awesome. It's like God is speaking right through just to you, but also to everyone other person around you. This weekend there were 7300 women hearing straight from God . . . it was an amazing sight!

Friday night started off a little rough because I couldn't find anyone I knew, but God brought someone to sit with me and I really overcame a lot of emotions to get through that first session and not be distracted by feeling lonely. First of all the music was amazing! Beth's message came straight from the story about Zacchaeus in Luke 19 and had a metaphor of trees. I'm not going to go into a ton of detail here, but Friday night God was really hitting me hard. We learn right in the beginning of Genesis that people were created to rule over the Earth and that it is just our nature to be in control (um, hello?). However, on the flipside each one of us has such a desire to be mastered. This is honestly one of the biggest things I have been struggling with lately because I so desperately want to give up control of my life, but I keep looking for people to do it, but they are not very reliable. These other people or things can turn into the rulers of our life and they always fail. God is the only true king!

Saturday morning I was excited to get back for day two. I hooked up with a lady from my bible study whom I loved very much. She had come with some of her family, including her two daughters. I was sitting alone and then she texted me 10 minutes before the start. I was so glad! Beth spoke a lot about the fruit that we bear, which was very impactful. We had a short break during which I started to debrief in my journal a little bit. I was writing about how I feel as those the hurts I've had in my life have really become my master and until I have complete healing from those things I am not going to be able to bear good fruit. Wouldn't you know it that Beth concluded the conference talking about true healing. It was an incredible finish and I just feel so blessed to have gone to this conference. I'm hoping to really take some time this week and next to study what she talked about some more and make some big steps forward. If you every have the opportunity to do one of her bible studies or hear her in person - DO IT! But be prepared to have your life changed!

breaking through

I have always been inspired by this phrase and feel like it describes a lot of my life. For many, many years I have been trying to break through circumstances, challenges, and obstacles. Recently, it turned into a little bit of running away instead of breaking through. By the grace of God, I am doing something I should've done some 20 years ago and I honestly believe I may actually break through some things for real and take some huge steps of growth.

So, what am I doing? I have decided to start seeing a counselor. I really like her. She is a Christian and I think she is really going to challenge me. I know it's going to be hard, but I also know I need to do this . . . I've needed to do this for a long time. I probably won't talk about it a lot, but if you want to check in just ask. That's mainly what I'm looking for anyway is more emotional stability and the ability to build better relationships with others.

On a side note . . . I've also been breaking through a lot of ground at our house. I am loving gardening and our house looks so good. I can't wait to have visitors over all summer long (at least when I'm home) and enjoy it.

megathon completed!

Whew! I am such a big believer in visualization and I can honestly say that this day was a hard one to visualize. I actually ran two 1/2 marathons in 2 weeks and in pretty good time if I do say so myself. Here's a rundown of the event on Saturday.

My team's hotel was on the east side so I had about a 15 minute drive downtown in the morning. I got up at 5 to get ready and eat some breakfast. Luckily they had oatmeal and bananas and I even got a hard boiled egg! :) I didn't have any problem making it to IUPUI to park and got a sweet spot about a block from the finish line for free! I read a book for a little while to waste some time before heading to the start area. We didn't have to be in our corrals until 7. The biggest struggle of the morning was what to wear. It was cold and windy and I couldn't stand out side for an hour in a tank top. So I kept my longsleeve on and decided to keep it on. The crowds started to come and come and come. It's really hard to imagine 35,000 people lined up for a race! I had a good warm-up and made it to corral L. I thought for sure I'd see someone I knew and sure enough I did. Katy McClure and I grew up in the same church and did 4-H together and she was in my corral! Very cool.

Finally it was time to start. It only took me 10 minutes to get to the start line and then we took off. My first mile was slow, which I wanted, but it was really slow. My competitiveness took over and I started to pick it up and got my race up to about 9:30. There was lots of live music and it was just an enjoyable time. Getting to the speedway was so cool! If you've never been there it's hard to imagine how big it is, but it's huge! I felt like a VIP getting to go inside. I was starting to get warm so I decided to switch my bib to my tank and take off the long sleeves. That distracted me for a while on the 2.5 mile loop. When we exited IMS we were already at 8.6 miles. I was definitely more tired than the Nashville run, but managed to push on even though my pace was slowing a little. If I maintained a 10 min pace I would be at about the same time. I decided to pick it up for the last 1.5 miles and managed to finish at 2:06.50. I was very happy with that! After getting my snacks, I went to the reunion area and waiting for my mom and grandma. It took a while, but they found me. My grandma was so proud, which made me feel good. It was so cold and windy still, though. We decided to head to lunch, which very nice to visit with everyone. Eating was good too - I got to have sweet potato fries!

Overall, I'm very glad I set this goal and accomplished it. My body will be glad to be done, though. Here's to more items getting checked off the bucket list and hopefully encouraging you to do the same!

megathon part 2

So I wrote this in a word document Friday night because I couldn't get on the internet . . .

So two weeks later here I sit ready to complete part 2 of my "megathon" in the morning. This race has very special significance for me. The Indy 500 Festival mini marathon is the largest half marathon in the country with 35,000 participants. Being from Indiana we just call it the mini. Ever since I was a kid my grandma has made a yearly trip to Indy to run the mini with her running friends. She did this race until she was in her 60s. She is now in low 70s and will be walking the 5K tomorrow with her almost 75 year old sister. I was always in awe of my grandma and her friends for doing this race and was determined to do this race at some point in my life. Well, tomorrow is the day! I know my grandma will be very proud of me and I am happy to run my last long race.

Driving into the city tonight got me very excited. I love Indy and it feels like home, something I really needed this week. I'm so excited to run around the Indianapolis Motor Speedway tomorrow. I have been on it once, but to run around it will be awesome. Hopefully I can sleep tonight and feel rested when I'm up at 5 a.m. tomorrow . . . it was not a good week of sleep, but not much I can do at this point. I've only run once since Nashville so hoping my body is still in good condition and is well rested from the half a couple weeks ago. I'll also need to stay mentally strong knowing that I've already done this and how long those last 5 miles can feel. I get so excited to check things off my bucket list and am glad my mom and grandma will be there for this race. Hopefully I can find her and my grandma and we can enjoy some time before I have to go coach in the afternoon.

alone

I wonder if I will ever be able to stop doing things alone. Ever since I was in high school, I've had to get used to being independent. I made my own dinner. I was the girl who didn't mind going to the bathroom alone (this is a big deal for teenage girls). In college I began to make great friends, but still always seemed to do things on my own. Then on from college were the most alone 4 years of my life . . . I bought my first house alone. I learned to travel alone. I would even eat alone at restaurants. I have been known to go to the movies alone, too. I shop for one and cook for one. I go to church alone. And, of course, I sleep alone.

The years continued to wear on me so I decided to make a change in my life. I moved to a place where I thought I wouldn't feel alone because I would be surrounded by the people who didn't make me feel so alone. After almost two years, things don't really seem any different. I can't help but think of why this is happening. I am just that bad of a communicator? Have I become so independent that I can't depend on anyone else? How long will I have to sit in church by myself while I watch all the families make their way to their seats and long to have my own family? I guess it wouldn't be so hard if there was an end in sight, but it is hard and it's getting harder and I feel like I'm just spiraling out of control. Is it so bad to just want someone to want to spend time with me? I think I'm fun, but who knows. Hopefully I can figure out these issues, at least with the help of a liscensed professional. Ahhh . . . I hate feeling so crappy when there really are great things around me, but these are my feelings and they are real because they are not going away.

growing old . . .

Whenever I get ready in the locker room at the Y, I always find myself coming away with some profound thoughts. Today was no different. I was getting ready as the older ladies were coming in for their water aerobics class. One lady comes every week, but cannot even stand up straight because her spine is so curved. I overheard two other ladies talking about a friend who was pretty much on her death bed. Most of them complained about not feeling good or being tired, etc. It made me sad to think about all that their lives consist of and wondering if I will be at that point in my life sometime. It also made me extremely grateful for a body that still does pretty much all that I ask of it. I hope I do not take that for granted because I know that getting old is inevitable.

part 1 - recap

I am back and I am alive! Life has been good this morning catching up on email and resting with the kitties. Phoebe is even feeling the need to give me a bath in between biting my sweatshirt. They instantly go between napping and playing . . . boy did we miss them!

The race went so good! The weather was a huge concern. Friday night they were saying 100% chance of rain in the morning. We even woke up to thunder and lightning and heavy rain. As we drove the 75 minutes to Nashville the rain got lighter and we began to see brightness in the sky. Sure enough it was dry by the time we reached the city and it stayed that way through the whole race (the 1/2 marathon anyway). We got there just in time because they started things off early. Walking up we heard Dan Evans from The Biggest Loser sing the national anthem. We even spotted an old CU friend Doug Gray (we caught up with him later that evening). I started with Elissa while Dez took off. It was such a great atmosphere. I was feeling great and really tried to speed up on the downhills. There were a lot because there were a lot of uphills too! Probably the toughest race I've done, but I seriously felt great through the whole thing. We got to run all down Music Row where all the production studios are. The bands throughout the race were okay, but I best enjoyed the church choir just past mile 10, which gave me a great boost. I teared up a little seeing all the supporters and knowing that so many people were running for very meaningful reasons. I tried to keep those who desire to run, but can't physically in my mind. I was timing myself and knew I was doing well time wise. With all the hills I was afraid I wouldn't have enough to push through the last mile, though. Luckily Laura was there right before the finish and gave me a little boost to push hard to the finish line. I crossed at 2:07.26 and felt so great about that. I find Dez right away and found out she sprained her ankle at mile 6, but still finished under 2 hours . . . what a trooper. Elissa and Karen came next. We got our food and had a reunion under Vince Young's big poster at LP Field. We got to cheer the marathon runners as we walked to our hotel. I'm so glad we did the race . . . I really enjoyed it. I am still sore today, but amd determined to stay positive for part 2 in a couple weeks. Indy . . . here I come!

part 1

I have a little downtime during jobs and want to track my thoughts going into this weekend . . . this weekend being part 1 of the "Megathon." If you're unclear this is my attempt to complete two 1/2 marathons in 2 weeks. I never want to run a marathon or another race longer than a 10K after this, but these are two races on my bucket list so I'm doing them at the same time. I feel so much better this time around compared to training for the RiverBank last year. I was in severe pain for much of my training last year and then the race was cold & rainy & not a lot of fun, but I did it. This time around I have pushed myself and am actually running a lot faster. I also feel a lot better because of the strength training I've been doing for my legs. I'm hoping I am not let down with a bad race and am trying to hold on to my excitement and enjoy the race.

It's in Nashville, which is going to be so fun. There are bands all along the race route, which should be entertaining, but hopefully not distracting. I do want to take my camera and look out for famous people, though!

The thing I'm most nervous about is the actual trip. I am the planner in my group of friends, but I feel like I annoy people with that characteristic and that I don't always think the way they do so I am trying to back off a little bit. I know it probably seems weird, but that's hard for me. In general I just feel a little disconnected from things and misunderstood a lot. I'm running around doing 7 billion things and would love for people to be interested in at least 1 billion of those things, but it doesn't happen very often so I just share it with my small bloggy world (Al). I'm a little nervous about club practice tonight . . . 15 year olds shouldn't make me nervous, but they do. I take my job seriously and if all they think about me is negative then I don't feel like I am being a good role model for them. On the flip side it's been a great week with the DU girls. They are actually excited about summer training (we'll see how they feel in July) and are loving what we're doing with the program. I will try to hold on to those positives.

It's also been a hard week because our bible study lessons are on sin . . . yuck! Sin is so terrible and makes me angry at myself and I don't always feel the power God's given us to defeat sin. I actually feel rather powerless so having to think about your sin and then feeling like you can't do anything about it is a little discouraging. It's one of those things that you know the truth, but it doesn't change your feelings & emotions. Anywho, at least I'll have 2 hours and roughly 5-10 minutes to just chill this weekend . . . here we come Nashville!

This week was a hard one. I firmly believe that one of the ways Satan attacks women is through PMS. I can't even begin to tell you all of the STUPID and HORRIBLE thoughts he placed in my head. The biggest one being doubt about EVERYTHING! The area that hit the hardest was doubting my abilities in all of my roles. I was spinning in circles this week going from one job to the next and doing three job simultaneously sometimes. It was crazy and I didn't feel like I was giving any of them 100%. Even though it's my nature to give 100%, it's okay not to no matter what the devil tells me.

It got a little worse this weekend because I was running on low sleep and drinking caffeine, which makes me crash even harder. Going into my club tournament this weekend I was determined to be positive with them regardless of the terrible practices we have been having. I knew that I had been hard on them and was not going to carry that over into the tournament. Saturday, they did a lot of great things with only 7 players. We played our last match of the day against a team that should've killed us. I was just hoping we could compete. Well, we did in the first game. Then in the second game, the other team was playing terribly and we just kept getting big runs and ended up winning that game. The team was starting to prove me wrong and show that we could win. Unfortunately, the 3rd game didn't go our way, but the girls felt great about it and so did I.

Sunday (today), we had a challenge match to get in the Copper bracket (I was made for the copper bracket), which we won. We then faced a team we beat yesterday to advance. We had a solid performance in game 1 and won. Then the wheels just fell off and we couldn't put things together. I felt like I stayed positive throughout despite the loss. After that game I shared that it was a little disappointing, but tried to put a positive spin on it and encourage them to learn from the experience. We departed and began our reffing assignment (I won't even start on the drama the ref caused during that part of the day). Into the first game, here came my captains . . .

They wanted to chat, which was great. They began by sharing how they felt like my negativity was bringing the team down. I sat their with my jaw open shocked that this was coming at this tournament, which I had made such a concerted effort to be positive. I shared with them my shock and actually started to cry and I shared with them my goals going into this weekend. I was devastated at the timing. I was so glad they shared and we definitely worked through some things that both coach and player needed to work on, but my spirit was crushed. I know I am good at what I do, but I feel so discouraged right now. I am constantly trying to balance positive & negative reinforcement and to make due with the players I have at any given practice and compete against teams that are head & shoulders above us in practice and teach the girls life lessons . . . it's getting to be too much. I hope that we did make some progress in our chat, otherwise it's going to be a long 3 months!

Needless to say that was not the best way to finish the week/weekend, but I'm hopeful that God will restore my spirit. Stupid Satan has nothing on me!

fond memories

Since I have a pretty anal personality some might think I have a pretty detailed memory. That is actually false . . . I don't remember a ton from my volleyball career other than the fun stuff. Quite a few of those memories came flooding back this weekend when I took my DU team on a retreat. We stayed at a bed & breakfast and did lots of different team bonding & team building activities. It was very similar to a trip that I took with my CU team my sophomore year. It was so fun to just sit back and watch the girls make their own memories and know that they'll be saying "remember when . . ." in only a few years from now. I was so glad Karen was there with me so I had someone to reminisce with. It just made me that much more happy about what I'm doing and excited to see all of this work pay off in the fall.

On a side note . . . we are so lucky to have gotten such wonderful kittens. They are providing hours of endless entertainment and are great snugglers!

proud moment

It was so nice to be at my home church for Easter Sunday. Going home is usually a little stressful for me because I have to run between families and be in a zillion places at once. However, for a couple hours I had a wonderful time worshipping and enjoying the people who have helped me grow into a mature young woman. I also see the same older couple at church who hug me and love on me like I'm one of their own grandchildren. The gentleman told me on Sunday how proud he was of me. I was taken aback a little because pride is what I think of when I think of my church family. They are all so amazing and have taught me so much about loving people, especially children. We have a time of sharing during our services as a way to silently commune with God then share what he is speaking to us. I actually stood up this week and share that with all of them. It was so great to share that and hopefully encourage a lot of them. So many shared their congratulations about my new job and it just made me feel so supported and loved. It will be a very memorable Easter for me.

dessert!

So I decided for lent to give up dessert . . . oh my goodness it has been difficult! However, I have been pretty successful in this quest and have enjoyed keeping Christ's sacrifice on my mind each time I have been tempted. I'm not big into rituals, but I enjoy this time of year remembering God's amazing gift of His Son to atone for all of our sins. It's a simple way to mirror that sacrifice a little bit.

I definitely chose something that was hard for me. Obviously I love food and dessert is no exception. I found myself requiring it after each meal, though, so I needed this to get myself un-hooked. It did work! I got close a few times . . . I had some cinnamon & sugar crisps, which were close to dessert and cinnamon & sugar toast a few times. I got my chocolate fix from some mochas. But overall, I have done really well . . . no cookies, no ice cream, no cake . . . not even for my birthday. Needless to say this weekend I will be having all of the above!

The weekend ahead is a little busy with traveling and some father gatherings, but I hope they don't overshadow the real celebration of Easter.

vacations

It's no secret that I love to travel, but this time of year I usually take a trip more for some R & R than for exploring (this year it's a little of both). We checked into our sweet suite on Friday afternoon. We didn't do a lot on Friday because we were tired from traveling and our busy weeks to prepare for the vacation (go figure). Then on Saturday morning (my birthday!) we are just taking our time in the morning, which is awesome. At one point, though, I am wondering "Did I really need to travel all this way to relax and unwind?" The answer is emphatically YES! On slower days at home free mornings just fly by and there's always something there that you think you should be doing like wash the dishes, or run the vacuum, or something else. Needless to say I am so glad we took this little vacation because our brains and bodies really do need some time to escape from the busyness of everday life. Yes, it is short, but we are making the most of it. Here's what all we did yesterday . . .

Breakfast (hotel has a hot breakfast buffet!)
My bible study lesson for the day
Wrote in my journal
My own little yoga routine (in honor of Bob Harper)
Checked facebook
Researched the city some more
Got a pedicure
Did a little shopping
Laid out in the sun while reading a book and listening to my iPod
Watched Butler win and make it to the Final Four!
Walked on the riverwalk
Ate a fabulous 2 hour dinner (we love to linger) - I had crab cakes for an appetizer and pork tenderloin with mashed potatoes and brocolli and maybe some drinks :)
Went to Howl at the Moon (for free with a coupon), which is always a good time. And they didn't charge us for the 2nd round of drinks we had!
Took a taxi ride back to the hotel, which again is always a good time.

Ah, I am loving life right now. So, this is to remind me not to feel guilty about spending money on vacations. We deserve them and they are so worth it! Here's to another great day in my 28th year!

in awe

I was at a volleyball tournament over the weekend (I know, shocker, right?) and I found myself watching one of my players in complete awe. No, it wasn't on the court (although she did make some great plays). It was actually off the court as she conversed with her family. Her parents are divorced. She switches home about 3 times a week. Her dad & stepmom were at the tournament. Her mom and two half sisters were also there. She went back and forth between both parents with such ease, I found myself being quite jealous of her. Growing up I always felt like I was the middle man between my parents and I was always trying to keep them happy, which was an impossible task. I never seen this young girl worrying about where she's supposed to be or if her parents are happy. She is so sweet and mature and always communicates well with me. I found myself wishing my childhood experience was more like hers. I'm sure she struggles and has her bad days, but it's just so great to see things working for her and her family.

hugs

I feel like I could've written on my blog all weekend because I have so much on my mind. Number one, I'm going to embrace my alone time and not have pity on myself.

This afternoon I watched the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants . . . one of my favorite movies. I relate so much to the character of Carmen in the movie. Her parents divorced when she was young. As a teenager she goes to spend the summer with her dad to find out he has a new family that she does not fit into at all. Needless to say she does not react to the situation very well due to selfish and hurt feelings . . . many of which I have felt much of my life. She finally decides to attend her dad's wedding with the support of her 3 best friends. When he realizes her attendance they share a wonderful embrace where she is sobbing into his chest and forgiving each other for so much in that one moment.

I am such a hugging person and that one moment makes me cry every time I see it. I do not have very many people I have or can share that kind of embrace with, but am finding that's something I'm truly longing for in my life right now. I moved to Grand Rapids to be near my dear friends that I love so dearly and to pursue my coaching passions. The only downside was leaving my family behind in Indiana. All my friends have their family nearby so when they get to spend time with them I, unfortunately, am alone. It's the people I left that I can have those sorts of embraces with and even though they drive me nuts most of the time I am missing them dearly. One particular member of my "family," my high school coach who is more like a father to me than anything. He is that one person whose hugs make me feel so safe and so loved. That's something I'm desperately longing to feel right now. I knew I was giving some things up when I moved here and I'm hoping all that I gained can keep me filled up. The nice thing is that times at home are that much sweeter. Hopefully one of these days I can have someone there and here that I can share that kind of embrace with.

On a side note . . . sometimes I wish I was a better blog writer. I don't always know how to end things and it seems more like rambling, but just needed to get some of these thoughts out of my head . . . as I mentioned there's not really anyone to tell them to.

things I'm excited about . . .

Spring fever is in full swing and I love it! So many exciting things are happening . . . I'm trying not to look too far into the future and just enjoy each moment, but it's hard not to. Even the plants are getting excited . . . they are all popping their heads out of our garden. Here's my list of excitement . . .

- Running: I'm actually enjoying my race training this go around. Granted I'm not past 7 miles yet, but so far so good. This week for my fast week. Today I did 3.5 miles in under 32 minutes and felt great about that. AND I got a new running top, which is always exciting. Watch out Megan Marathon 2010!

- DU Volleyball: I'm loving practices with the team so far. They are soaking everything in like sponges and I see so much potential. I love all the support to. It makes me a little nervous, but mostly excited for what's to come.

- Traveling: So many trips are on my docket for the rest of the year and I just love exploring different places. This month is Texas for my birthday. In June I'll be in Florida for 8 days for volleyball and I get to go to Disney World. June is also Mother/Daughter weekend at Karen's cottage (we've been planning that since last summer). July is NYC for my mom's 50th. I'm hoping to attend the AVCA convention this year in Kansas City, which is within driving distance of Kansas & Nebraska, which I could check off my list. Then the year will be capped off in Vegas. Oh man . . . so exciting!

- House Projects: Once the rest of our tax credit comes we will be finishing our bathroom, which I can just picture in my head. Trust me it'll be great. Then we're putting a deck on the back and hoping making my window into a door that leads out to it. Then I'm going to have the vegetable garden I have always wanted. I can almost taste those yummy veggies.

That's probably enough looking into the future for now. For right now I'm excited for a nap! :)

sunshine

As I lay on my couch right now the sun is shining on my face and warming up my body. Isn't it amazing how Vitamin D can boost our spirits no matter what is going on?

One of my best friends, Rachel, who is pregnant (!), came to visit us for a few days and we have gotten to hang out this whole day. Just be lazy, went shopping, went to a movie, and are now relaxing again. The movie we saw was at the cheap seated called "To Save a Life." I'm pretty sure part of it was filmed near my home town in Warsaw and I have wanted to see it, but had forgotten about it. Rachel brought it up so we went and were not disappointed. It is a Christian based movie about stepping out of your comfort zone to make a different in someone's life. It was moving and I would recommend it to anyone. Reiterates the message that God is at his greatest when we are at our lowest.

On a side note, I've been struggling lately with guilt about enjoy times of rest and relaxation. Today it was physically hard to not think about work or my emails during the 2 hours we were at the movie. And even now I am on my computer even when I should be doing nothing. I'm trying to stay away from my laptop and just do nothing sometimes and not feel guilty. I work hard and I deserve to do nothing sometimes darn it! There's my rant and now I'm off to do nothing! :)

self-pity

I have to say it . . . I am lonely! For the last few weeks and months there has been something different in the air. It's called change and most of it is happening with my friends. Unfortunately, I only have like 5 friends (all of whom I love dearly), but I'm realizing when their lives change and take them different directions I am left without anyone to hang out with. So far I have yet to do anything about it. Sometimes I think I just sit at home and wait so that when they are ready and able to hang out I will be available because I do get my feelings hurt when they are never available to hang out. Yes, I know this sounds a little childish and selfish . . . something I am constantly struggling with, but this is my blog and my chance to express these feelings, right?

Well, here's what I've decided . . . to do something about it! We have been reading a book in my small group called "Lady in Waiting." It talks a lot about taking advantage of our singleness to drawer nearer to God and be fully devoted to Him. I think I am taking advantage of my time and improving my spiritual walk, but I'm not taking advantage of this time to meet new people and put myself out there. I'm going to start looking for more ways to do that . . . asking new people to hang out, maybe try some online dating again, who knows, but I can't go on like this. It's not their fault they are busy or going in different directions, but I don't have to just sit at home alone. So, in the words of Josie from Never Been Kissed, I'm going to grab the bull's balls and just go live life. I've got nothing to lose, right?

scary moment

So I thought today was just another normal day and tonight another normal practice with my club team. I should've know better as the texts & calls started to come in. Usually when there's one, there are more to follow. First, "do we still have practice?" Second, "I'll probably be late." Third, "I'm sick and can't make it." Fourth, "My back is feeling sore so I might be a little off tonight." Fifth, "Paige was just in an accident." That's when things started to get a little scary.

We didn't get a lot of snow, but it came at just the right time to make traveling treacherous. One of my players was coming to practice with her mom when they lost control of their vehicle. As they were spinning on the highway, they were clipped by a semi and were spun again only to be hit by another car that simply knocked them into the ditch and stopped the car. Amazingly, the semi clipped the back end of the car and no one was injured. Paige called one of the other girls to let her know what had happened and was in absolute panic. She still made it to practice, which was probably a good distraction for her because it took her mind off of things. I didn't find out the details of the accident until later in practice and I could barely listen. I couldn't help but think if the semi had hit just a second later or earlier what could've happened. I know God wouldn't give me anything I couldn't handle, but if I ever have to go through losing a player again I know my spirit would be shaken. I don't know why he allowed them to walk away from that crash, but I know that God is the reason the did and I am so grateful. Thank you father.

hormones

We know we have them, but we try to deny their existence at all costs. Sunday they were swarming inside of me with such a vengence. It had nothing to do with Valentine's Day . . . that honestly has no effect on me. Instead I was at a volleyball tournament all weekend with my Krazy Kermits. They are so fun, but were playing in the open division, which was probably over our heads a little bit. They started out playing hard despite losing to better teams, but then Sunday came and we continued to lose . . . this time not playing as hard. We worked through it, but I knew it was going to be a long day. We started at 8 a.m., reffed, lost, reffed, lost, reffed. Then had to wait around to play at 3 p.m., which didn't happen till 4:30ish, lost, reffed, and played our last match of the tournament . . . and WE WON! The whole day, though, I just couldn't stop my tears. I knew it wasn't a big deal, I didn't really care that we were losing, I was sad for the girls, but I would just be sitting watching a team and the tears would come. Same thing after we finally won. I just don't understand the effect the hormones have on us and just how they can be that powerful.

Lately, I've been struggling with overeating and tend to blame it on my hormones, but know they can't be doing that every day of the month. It's really frustrating because I'm supposed to help others with this issue, but I can't help myself. With today being FaT Tuesday, I'm going to prayerfully consider something to give up for lent today. I'm thinking dessert would be a good, tough option.

Lastly, I miss my roommate! God, heal Karen quickly and bring her back to the Ganderson where she belongs!

joy

It's nice to be able to write some happy posts for a change. Sunday was a crazy day, but things fell into place for me to get to church in between volleyball commitments. It felt so good to be able to sing to the Lord with a truly grateful heart. Sad to say it's been a while since I've felt that way. I still cried, which happens almost every Sunday I get to go to church, but they were happy tears. What a great weekend of celebration over God's amazing gift to me. I'm still hopeful that I would be responding with joy about God's sovereignty if I would've had to wait longer for a fantastic opportunity like this, but it's hard to say.

I meet the team for the first time tomorrow and am a little nervous about it, but am determined to cover them in prayer and ask that He guides my every step. It'll be hard to be in a secular environment, but I'm excited for those one-on-one moments where they'll be able to see my faith and hopefully want to hear more about it. I think tomorrow is when things will really start to sink in. Ahh, I'm just so excited to have something that I can be excited about and pour my whole self into. Dreaming is scary, but it does pay off. I'm ready for the journey ahead even though I know that it's not going to be easy. Anywho, here we go . . . GO PANTHERS!

rejoicing

I am so glad to be able to write this post with a joyful heart that is rejoicing to its fullest! The Lord has blessed me with a new job . . . the head women's volleyball coach at Davenport University! It feels so good to say that. :)

I feel as though my reversal of destiny is now complete . . . wow, have things around me come together for such a time as this or what? I guess this is that feeling I've heard others talk about where they look back and see exactly the steps God led them on and why. It is INCREDIBLE to know that my God cares enough for me to plan out every single bit of this experience. Why do we ever doubt him?

The hardest thing was overcoming Satan's voice in my head telling me that it wasn't going to happen and that I wasn't good enough. It took every ounce of my spirit to hold on to faith that God's plan is good for me . . . if this job didn't happen his plan would still be good, but so great to see a dream fulfilled. A dream that was really hard to ask for and cling to after a previous dream was dashed. I have a variety of passwords for different things, but the longest running one is "withallmyheart." I think I've had it since high school and it's how I live. The trouble is when disappointment comes it hurts everywhere and that's how I felt for the last couple months. Then when some relationships were healed and a new dream came around I jumped in with the only way I know how. I now get to experience the benefit of that lifestyle . . . the joy feels so good.

Beth Moore has warned that when we wait for so long that when the answer finally comes, God moves so fast it's hard to hold on. I'm not quite there yet, but I know that it's coming and I'm welcoming it with open arms. God is good and consistent and loves so unconditionally. Praise God that he cares for each one of us!

such a time as this

The key verse in the book of Esther is when Mordecai asks her, don't you know that you've been called to this place for "such a time as this?" I cannot help, but believe that I have also been called for such a time as this. I moved back to Grand Rapids with some amount of uncertainty in regards to my future, but still had tremendous faith that God had something great in store for me. I'm at such a crossroads right now and am even more confident in my beliefs, but cannot get some doubts out of my head. Has God brought me thus far just to teach me another lesson on faith and perseverance? If so, I'm not sure I can handle it . . . on my own at least I can't. Am I worthy of this position that God has placed before me? I know I am, but if the others don't see it, how will that affect my confidence and my future opportunities. I don't know what else is out there.

Friday morning our verse of the day in the bathroom was "Faith is hoping in the unknown and being certain of what we cannot see." As I sit and wait I am clinging to this verse and the verse that corresponds with one of our scenarios from the Esther study. The scenario is "It's tough being a woman who can balance passion with patience." In these situations we can cling to this verse Isaiah 30:18: "Yet the Lord longs to be gracious to you; he rises to show you compassion. For the Lord is a God of justice. Blessed are all who wait for him!" I refuse to wait for a specific outcome or be defined by the decision. I am delighting in the fact that God has my best interest at heart and just waiting with every ounce of patience I can muster to wait on my Lord.

reversal of destiny

As I have mentioned before I joined a Beth Moore bible study in the fall on the book of Esther. We only have 2 more sessions left, which makes me sad because I have learned so much from this bible study and feel like a changed person. The entire book is based on the concept of "Reversal of Destiny" as we see Esther go from such a humble upbringing to becoming queen and saving her people. As we have gone through the study, Beth has related the content to 7 different scenarios describing why It's Tough Being a Woman. The last one we had talked about why women feel like we have to figure out the how of every situation. Ahhh, so much to share, I think I need to take a breath . . .

. . . So the other source of teaching I've been receiving lately has been from church where we've been going through a sermon on Joseph and dreams. Needless to say after my experience last month I definitely related to the concepts of shattered dreams and feeling like God had forgotten about me.

Going through such an intense time of learning and growing has been tiring and exhausting. I have tried to cling to the positive aspect that God cares so much to teach me all of these tasty morsels. It has made the book we're reading about singleness in small group seem like an easy piece of non-fiction because that subject matter is so far from my mind right now, which is pretty unbelievable!

So this brings me to my reversal of destiny. A wonderful new opportunity has been presented to me and it's very close to coming to fruition. It's something that I never would have pictured for myself, but something that makes me very excited. I'm trying to remain cautiously enthusiastic, but also have faith that God would bless me with such a wonderful opportunity because he loves me enough to do that . . . such a battle in my heart. It's also an opportunity that I'm not quite sure how it would actually play out in my life, but again that's God's department to take care of the how of the situations we face. Can you see why my head and heart are so full right now . . . all of the messages coming together at the same time. It's so hard to dream again after a shattered dream, but I'm clinging to trust and faith because that's what gets us through when we can't even see our own hand in front of our face.

Lord, help me balance all of these feelings and emotions and prepare me to handle whatever opportunity you bring me. Amen.

a heavy heart

God is definitely bringing me through this dark time with great friends that I can count on . . . all I have to do is ask for help. The next step is still unknown, but I am waiting on the Lord to show up, not on the perfect job or perfect man to come my way.

My heart is heavy for all of my friends that are having their own internal struggles themselves. Lord, show me how to put their needs before my own and do my best to support them without forgetting to fill up my own heart with you and lay my burdens at your feet.

My heart is especially heavy for one friend in particular who is going through something that is my worst fear. Whatever happens I know she will get through it clinging to her faith because you have worked wonders in her heart, but my heart is just breaking for her. Lord, please protect her.

telling the truth

God finally got me last night . . . I guess one can only run so far. As I have said I've been struggling with a lot of things for the last few weeks/months and have bottled a lot of things inside. Partly because it's just easier that way and partly because I get sick of spilling my guts when a lot of my friends never spill their guts and I feel like it's my own pity party all the time. Anywho, one of my friends finally made me spill it last night and after a half an hour of crying, talking (some yelling), and hugging it did feel good to get some things off my chest. And as I predicted I awoke to puffy eyes. I feel like those random surveys that go around should have a special question for me . . . When was the last day you didn't cry.

So today I made myself sit down and do my Esther bible study. Low and behold it was about telling the truth. It talked about how the truth might be hard to tell, but it really is harder to hold it in then actually talk about it. For the last year I have never been confronted with more truths from bible studies and sermons that fit the current state I am in . . . as much as I do feel sorry for myself, I am grateful that God cares enough about me to work so hard on my heart.

Over the weekend I watched one of my favorite movies: Facing the Giants. Such a great message (I think I've blogged about it before) and makes me cry (of course!). I downloaded one of the songs from the movie and its words have impacted me so much. I'll share them with you today:

Time after time you've been left behind
Like the sun when it's starting to rain
Time after time you've been forgotten
Like a picture that's faded with age
Time after time you ran after me
When I was still running away

You never give up on me
No, you never give up on me
Though I'm weak you are strong
You told me I still belong
No, you never, never give up on me

Time after time I've used your grace
As a way to do what I please
I've taken for granted prayers that you answered
Never been all I could be
You are holding out your hands
And now I clearly see

Chorus

You always erase all my mistakes
You lift me up when I'm down
Through all the ages, your love never changes
You welcome me just as I am

Chorus

~You Never Give Up on Me by Josh Bates

food for my soul

It has purposely been a while since my last post. Honestly I could write something on here everyday, but I have been in somewhat of a funk since the New Year began and I did not want to start off on a depressive & negative note on my blog for 2010. So much like I do with life I just avoided the topics I've been struggling with and continue to have a screaming match with God.

My one saving grace during this phase has been the club team I am coaching. I have 15 year olds this year (freshmen). They have so much to learn in terms of volleyball, which means I'm exhausted after EVERY practice. However, they work so hard and handle everything I throw at them and they have laughed together from day one. It's a very diverse group so for them to be so comfortable with each other so soon is such a success to me. While some coaches may dread the extra commitment in their schedule, I would be lost without it and I'm so thankful for this opportunity I have.

They actually sleptover at the Ganderson last night and I just sat in my room laughing at their funny stories and constant laughter. We have our first tournament today and I'm looking forward to see how they bond during a competitive situation. Should be fun assuming they got enough sleep last night!

a new year

I suppose it is fitting that I blog on this historic day of resolutions, although I don't really have any specific resolutions for the new year. Last year I did decide to become a blogger and 60 posts later I am glad I did it. Along with my journal (the first I've managed to write in regularly and fill up), it has been great to take time and reflect on what God has been teaching, which has been a lot, and just share some of my random thoughts with others.

After a year and a half of being excited about life again and feeling a little bit of purpose and direction again, I must say I am struggling with the feelings of limbo that I'm having. A bit of depression is creeping into my soul and I am desperately trying to run to God instead of running away from him because he is my mighty rock and my refuge. If I have learned anything at all this year it is how to love God more deeply and and that he greatly desires for me to love him in return.

I wouldn't say that I have any resolutions, but I will continue to strive to avoid my selfish ambitions and to put others' interests before my own. This is a continual challenge of mine that I am somewhat shameful of, but am grateful for God's grace to know I can repent of these things and strive to improve.

The year 2009 was truly a great one, just like all the others I've been blessed to have because they have all been gifts from God. Yes, some bad and sad things have happened, but I will not complain about them. This past year was a year of reconnecting with great friends and remembering what it's like to live near those special loved ones. It's been a year of great travel, which I'm excited to do more of next year. It's been a year of trusting as God has changed some of my dreams and clouded my view of the future.

Above all I want to make 2010 about following God's way and His commands. May he be the center of your new year and all the days to come.