alone

I wonder if I will ever be able to stop doing things alone. Ever since I was in high school, I've had to get used to being independent. I made my own dinner. I was the girl who didn't mind going to the bathroom alone (this is a big deal for teenage girls). In college I began to make great friends, but still always seemed to do things on my own. Then on from college were the most alone 4 years of my life . . . I bought my first house alone. I learned to travel alone. I would even eat alone at restaurants. I have been known to go to the movies alone, too. I shop for one and cook for one. I go to church alone. And, of course, I sleep alone.

The years continued to wear on me so I decided to make a change in my life. I moved to a place where I thought I wouldn't feel alone because I would be surrounded by the people who didn't make me feel so alone. After almost two years, things don't really seem any different. I can't help but think of why this is happening. I am just that bad of a communicator? Have I become so independent that I can't depend on anyone else? How long will I have to sit in church by myself while I watch all the families make their way to their seats and long to have my own family? I guess it wouldn't be so hard if there was an end in sight, but it is hard and it's getting harder and I feel like I'm just spiraling out of control. Is it so bad to just want someone to want to spend time with me? I think I'm fun, but who knows. Hopefully I can figure out these issues, at least with the help of a liscensed professional. Ahhh . . . I hate feeling so crappy when there really are great things around me, but these are my feelings and they are real because they are not going away.