self-pity

I have to say it . . . I am lonely! For the last few weeks and months there has been something different in the air. It's called change and most of it is happening with my friends. Unfortunately, I only have like 5 friends (all of whom I love dearly), but I'm realizing when their lives change and take them different directions I am left without anyone to hang out with. So far I have yet to do anything about it. Sometimes I think I just sit at home and wait so that when they are ready and able to hang out I will be available because I do get my feelings hurt when they are never available to hang out. Yes, I know this sounds a little childish and selfish . . . something I am constantly struggling with, but this is my blog and my chance to express these feelings, right?

Well, here's what I've decided . . . to do something about it! We have been reading a book in my small group called "Lady in Waiting." It talks a lot about taking advantage of our singleness to drawer nearer to God and be fully devoted to Him. I think I am taking advantage of my time and improving my spiritual walk, but I'm not taking advantage of this time to meet new people and put myself out there. I'm going to start looking for more ways to do that . . . asking new people to hang out, maybe try some online dating again, who knows, but I can't go on like this. It's not their fault they are busy or going in different directions, but I don't have to just sit at home alone. So, in the words of Josie from Never Been Kissed, I'm going to grab the bull's balls and just go live life. I've got nothing to lose, right?

scary moment

So I thought today was just another normal day and tonight another normal practice with my club team. I should've know better as the texts & calls started to come in. Usually when there's one, there are more to follow. First, "do we still have practice?" Second, "I'll probably be late." Third, "I'm sick and can't make it." Fourth, "My back is feeling sore so I might be a little off tonight." Fifth, "Paige was just in an accident." That's when things started to get a little scary.

We didn't get a lot of snow, but it came at just the right time to make traveling treacherous. One of my players was coming to practice with her mom when they lost control of their vehicle. As they were spinning on the highway, they were clipped by a semi and were spun again only to be hit by another car that simply knocked them into the ditch and stopped the car. Amazingly, the semi clipped the back end of the car and no one was injured. Paige called one of the other girls to let her know what had happened and was in absolute panic. She still made it to practice, which was probably a good distraction for her because it took her mind off of things. I didn't find out the details of the accident until later in practice and I could barely listen. I couldn't help but think if the semi had hit just a second later or earlier what could've happened. I know God wouldn't give me anything I couldn't handle, but if I ever have to go through losing a player again I know my spirit would be shaken. I don't know why he allowed them to walk away from that crash, but I know that God is the reason the did and I am so grateful. Thank you father.

hormones

We know we have them, but we try to deny their existence at all costs. Sunday they were swarming inside of me with such a vengence. It had nothing to do with Valentine's Day . . . that honestly has no effect on me. Instead I was at a volleyball tournament all weekend with my Krazy Kermits. They are so fun, but were playing in the open division, which was probably over our heads a little bit. They started out playing hard despite losing to better teams, but then Sunday came and we continued to lose . . . this time not playing as hard. We worked through it, but I knew it was going to be a long day. We started at 8 a.m., reffed, lost, reffed, lost, reffed. Then had to wait around to play at 3 p.m., which didn't happen till 4:30ish, lost, reffed, and played our last match of the tournament . . . and WE WON! The whole day, though, I just couldn't stop my tears. I knew it wasn't a big deal, I didn't really care that we were losing, I was sad for the girls, but I would just be sitting watching a team and the tears would come. Same thing after we finally won. I just don't understand the effect the hormones have on us and just how they can be that powerful.

Lately, I've been struggling with overeating and tend to blame it on my hormones, but know they can't be doing that every day of the month. It's really frustrating because I'm supposed to help others with this issue, but I can't help myself. With today being FaT Tuesday, I'm going to prayerfully consider something to give up for lent today. I'm thinking dessert would be a good, tough option.

Lastly, I miss my roommate! God, heal Karen quickly and bring her back to the Ganderson where she belongs!

joy

It's nice to be able to write some happy posts for a change. Sunday was a crazy day, but things fell into place for me to get to church in between volleyball commitments. It felt so good to be able to sing to the Lord with a truly grateful heart. Sad to say it's been a while since I've felt that way. I still cried, which happens almost every Sunday I get to go to church, but they were happy tears. What a great weekend of celebration over God's amazing gift to me. I'm still hopeful that I would be responding with joy about God's sovereignty if I would've had to wait longer for a fantastic opportunity like this, but it's hard to say.

I meet the team for the first time tomorrow and am a little nervous about it, but am determined to cover them in prayer and ask that He guides my every step. It'll be hard to be in a secular environment, but I'm excited for those one-on-one moments where they'll be able to see my faith and hopefully want to hear more about it. I think tomorrow is when things will really start to sink in. Ahh, I'm just so excited to have something that I can be excited about and pour my whole self into. Dreaming is scary, but it does pay off. I'm ready for the journey ahead even though I know that it's not going to be easy. Anywho, here we go . . . GO PANTHERS!

rejoicing

I am so glad to be able to write this post with a joyful heart that is rejoicing to its fullest! The Lord has blessed me with a new job . . . the head women's volleyball coach at Davenport University! It feels so good to say that. :)

I feel as though my reversal of destiny is now complete . . . wow, have things around me come together for such a time as this or what? I guess this is that feeling I've heard others talk about where they look back and see exactly the steps God led them on and why. It is INCREDIBLE to know that my God cares enough for me to plan out every single bit of this experience. Why do we ever doubt him?

The hardest thing was overcoming Satan's voice in my head telling me that it wasn't going to happen and that I wasn't good enough. It took every ounce of my spirit to hold on to faith that God's plan is good for me . . . if this job didn't happen his plan would still be good, but so great to see a dream fulfilled. A dream that was really hard to ask for and cling to after a previous dream was dashed. I have a variety of passwords for different things, but the longest running one is "withallmyheart." I think I've had it since high school and it's how I live. The trouble is when disappointment comes it hurts everywhere and that's how I felt for the last couple months. Then when some relationships were healed and a new dream came around I jumped in with the only way I know how. I now get to experience the benefit of that lifestyle . . . the joy feels so good.

Beth Moore has warned that when we wait for so long that when the answer finally comes, God moves so fast it's hard to hold on. I'm not quite there yet, but I know that it's coming and I'm welcoming it with open arms. God is good and consistent and loves so unconditionally. Praise God that he cares for each one of us!

such a time as this

The key verse in the book of Esther is when Mordecai asks her, don't you know that you've been called to this place for "such a time as this?" I cannot help, but believe that I have also been called for such a time as this. I moved back to Grand Rapids with some amount of uncertainty in regards to my future, but still had tremendous faith that God had something great in store for me. I'm at such a crossroads right now and am even more confident in my beliefs, but cannot get some doubts out of my head. Has God brought me thus far just to teach me another lesson on faith and perseverance? If so, I'm not sure I can handle it . . . on my own at least I can't. Am I worthy of this position that God has placed before me? I know I am, but if the others don't see it, how will that affect my confidence and my future opportunities. I don't know what else is out there.

Friday morning our verse of the day in the bathroom was "Faith is hoping in the unknown and being certain of what we cannot see." As I sit and wait I am clinging to this verse and the verse that corresponds with one of our scenarios from the Esther study. The scenario is "It's tough being a woman who can balance passion with patience." In these situations we can cling to this verse Isaiah 30:18: "Yet the Lord longs to be gracious to you; he rises to show you compassion. For the Lord is a God of justice. Blessed are all who wait for him!" I refuse to wait for a specific outcome or be defined by the decision. I am delighting in the fact that God has my best interest at heart and just waiting with every ounce of patience I can muster to wait on my Lord.

reversal of destiny

As I have mentioned before I joined a Beth Moore bible study in the fall on the book of Esther. We only have 2 more sessions left, which makes me sad because I have learned so much from this bible study and feel like a changed person. The entire book is based on the concept of "Reversal of Destiny" as we see Esther go from such a humble upbringing to becoming queen and saving her people. As we have gone through the study, Beth has related the content to 7 different scenarios describing why It's Tough Being a Woman. The last one we had talked about why women feel like we have to figure out the how of every situation. Ahhh, so much to share, I think I need to take a breath . . .

. . . So the other source of teaching I've been receiving lately has been from church where we've been going through a sermon on Joseph and dreams. Needless to say after my experience last month I definitely related to the concepts of shattered dreams and feeling like God had forgotten about me.

Going through such an intense time of learning and growing has been tiring and exhausting. I have tried to cling to the positive aspect that God cares so much to teach me all of these tasty morsels. It has made the book we're reading about singleness in small group seem like an easy piece of non-fiction because that subject matter is so far from my mind right now, which is pretty unbelievable!

So this brings me to my reversal of destiny. A wonderful new opportunity has been presented to me and it's very close to coming to fruition. It's something that I never would have pictured for myself, but something that makes me very excited. I'm trying to remain cautiously enthusiastic, but also have faith that God would bless me with such a wonderful opportunity because he loves me enough to do that . . . such a battle in my heart. It's also an opportunity that I'm not quite sure how it would actually play out in my life, but again that's God's department to take care of the how of the situations we face. Can you see why my head and heart are so full right now . . . all of the messages coming together at the same time. It's so hard to dream again after a shattered dream, but I'm clinging to trust and faith because that's what gets us through when we can't even see our own hand in front of our face.

Lord, help me balance all of these feelings and emotions and prepare me to handle whatever opportunity you bring me. Amen.