hormones

We know we have them, but we try to deny their existence at all costs. Sunday they were swarming inside of me with such a vengence. It had nothing to do with Valentine's Day . . . that honestly has no effect on me. Instead I was at a volleyball tournament all weekend with my Krazy Kermits. They are so fun, but were playing in the open division, which was probably over our heads a little bit. They started out playing hard despite losing to better teams, but then Sunday came and we continued to lose . . . this time not playing as hard. We worked through it, but I knew it was going to be a long day. We started at 8 a.m., reffed, lost, reffed, lost, reffed. Then had to wait around to play at 3 p.m., which didn't happen till 4:30ish, lost, reffed, and played our last match of the tournament . . . and WE WON! The whole day, though, I just couldn't stop my tears. I knew it wasn't a big deal, I didn't really care that we were losing, I was sad for the girls, but I would just be sitting watching a team and the tears would come. Same thing after we finally won. I just don't understand the effect the hormones have on us and just how they can be that powerful.

Lately, I've been struggling with overeating and tend to blame it on my hormones, but know they can't be doing that every day of the month. It's really frustrating because I'm supposed to help others with this issue, but I can't help myself. With today being FaT Tuesday, I'm going to prayerfully consider something to give up for lent today. I'm thinking dessert would be a good, tough option.

Lastly, I miss my roommate! God, heal Karen quickly and bring her back to the Ganderson where she belongs!

joy

It's nice to be able to write some happy posts for a change. Sunday was a crazy day, but things fell into place for me to get to church in between volleyball commitments. It felt so good to be able to sing to the Lord with a truly grateful heart. Sad to say it's been a while since I've felt that way. I still cried, which happens almost every Sunday I get to go to church, but they were happy tears. What a great weekend of celebration over God's amazing gift to me. I'm still hopeful that I would be responding with joy about God's sovereignty if I would've had to wait longer for a fantastic opportunity like this, but it's hard to say.

I meet the team for the first time tomorrow and am a little nervous about it, but am determined to cover them in prayer and ask that He guides my every step. It'll be hard to be in a secular environment, but I'm excited for those one-on-one moments where they'll be able to see my faith and hopefully want to hear more about it. I think tomorrow is when things will really start to sink in. Ahh, I'm just so excited to have something that I can be excited about and pour my whole self into. Dreaming is scary, but it does pay off. I'm ready for the journey ahead even though I know that it's not going to be easy. Anywho, here we go . . . GO PANTHERS!

rejoicing

I am so glad to be able to write this post with a joyful heart that is rejoicing to its fullest! The Lord has blessed me with a new job . . . the head women's volleyball coach at Davenport University! It feels so good to say that. :)

I feel as though my reversal of destiny is now complete . . . wow, have things around me come together for such a time as this or what? I guess this is that feeling I've heard others talk about where they look back and see exactly the steps God led them on and why. It is INCREDIBLE to know that my God cares enough for me to plan out every single bit of this experience. Why do we ever doubt him?

The hardest thing was overcoming Satan's voice in my head telling me that it wasn't going to happen and that I wasn't good enough. It took every ounce of my spirit to hold on to faith that God's plan is good for me . . . if this job didn't happen his plan would still be good, but so great to see a dream fulfilled. A dream that was really hard to ask for and cling to after a previous dream was dashed. I have a variety of passwords for different things, but the longest running one is "withallmyheart." I think I've had it since high school and it's how I live. The trouble is when disappointment comes it hurts everywhere and that's how I felt for the last couple months. Then when some relationships were healed and a new dream came around I jumped in with the only way I know how. I now get to experience the benefit of that lifestyle . . . the joy feels so good.

Beth Moore has warned that when we wait for so long that when the answer finally comes, God moves so fast it's hard to hold on. I'm not quite there yet, but I know that it's coming and I'm welcoming it with open arms. God is good and consistent and loves so unconditionally. Praise God that he cares for each one of us!

such a time as this

The key verse in the book of Esther is when Mordecai asks her, don't you know that you've been called to this place for "such a time as this?" I cannot help, but believe that I have also been called for such a time as this. I moved back to Grand Rapids with some amount of uncertainty in regards to my future, but still had tremendous faith that God had something great in store for me. I'm at such a crossroads right now and am even more confident in my beliefs, but cannot get some doubts out of my head. Has God brought me thus far just to teach me another lesson on faith and perseverance? If so, I'm not sure I can handle it . . . on my own at least I can't. Am I worthy of this position that God has placed before me? I know I am, but if the others don't see it, how will that affect my confidence and my future opportunities. I don't know what else is out there.

Friday morning our verse of the day in the bathroom was "Faith is hoping in the unknown and being certain of what we cannot see." As I sit and wait I am clinging to this verse and the verse that corresponds with one of our scenarios from the Esther study. The scenario is "It's tough being a woman who can balance passion with patience." In these situations we can cling to this verse Isaiah 30:18: "Yet the Lord longs to be gracious to you; he rises to show you compassion. For the Lord is a God of justice. Blessed are all who wait for him!" I refuse to wait for a specific outcome or be defined by the decision. I am delighting in the fact that God has my best interest at heart and just waiting with every ounce of patience I can muster to wait on my Lord.

reversal of destiny

As I have mentioned before I joined a Beth Moore bible study in the fall on the book of Esther. We only have 2 more sessions left, which makes me sad because I have learned so much from this bible study and feel like a changed person. The entire book is based on the concept of "Reversal of Destiny" as we see Esther go from such a humble upbringing to becoming queen and saving her people. As we have gone through the study, Beth has related the content to 7 different scenarios describing why It's Tough Being a Woman. The last one we had talked about why women feel like we have to figure out the how of every situation. Ahhh, so much to share, I think I need to take a breath . . .

. . . So the other source of teaching I've been receiving lately has been from church where we've been going through a sermon on Joseph and dreams. Needless to say after my experience last month I definitely related to the concepts of shattered dreams and feeling like God had forgotten about me.

Going through such an intense time of learning and growing has been tiring and exhausting. I have tried to cling to the positive aspect that God cares so much to teach me all of these tasty morsels. It has made the book we're reading about singleness in small group seem like an easy piece of non-fiction because that subject matter is so far from my mind right now, which is pretty unbelievable!

So this brings me to my reversal of destiny. A wonderful new opportunity has been presented to me and it's very close to coming to fruition. It's something that I never would have pictured for myself, but something that makes me very excited. I'm trying to remain cautiously enthusiastic, but also have faith that God would bless me with such a wonderful opportunity because he loves me enough to do that . . . such a battle in my heart. It's also an opportunity that I'm not quite sure how it would actually play out in my life, but again that's God's department to take care of the how of the situations we face. Can you see why my head and heart are so full right now . . . all of the messages coming together at the same time. It's so hard to dream again after a shattered dream, but I'm clinging to trust and faith because that's what gets us through when we can't even see our own hand in front of our face.

Lord, help me balance all of these feelings and emotions and prepare me to handle whatever opportunity you bring me. Amen.

a heavy heart

God is definitely bringing me through this dark time with great friends that I can count on . . . all I have to do is ask for help. The next step is still unknown, but I am waiting on the Lord to show up, not on the perfect job or perfect man to come my way.

My heart is heavy for all of my friends that are having their own internal struggles themselves. Lord, show me how to put their needs before my own and do my best to support them without forgetting to fill up my own heart with you and lay my burdens at your feet.

My heart is especially heavy for one friend in particular who is going through something that is my worst fear. Whatever happens I know she will get through it clinging to her faith because you have worked wonders in her heart, but my heart is just breaking for her. Lord, please protect her.

telling the truth

God finally got me last night . . . I guess one can only run so far. As I have said I've been struggling with a lot of things for the last few weeks/months and have bottled a lot of things inside. Partly because it's just easier that way and partly because I get sick of spilling my guts when a lot of my friends never spill their guts and I feel like it's my own pity party all the time. Anywho, one of my friends finally made me spill it last night and after a half an hour of crying, talking (some yelling), and hugging it did feel good to get some things off my chest. And as I predicted I awoke to puffy eyes. I feel like those random surveys that go around should have a special question for me . . . When was the last day you didn't cry.

So today I made myself sit down and do my Esther bible study. Low and behold it was about telling the truth. It talked about how the truth might be hard to tell, but it really is harder to hold it in then actually talk about it. For the last year I have never been confronted with more truths from bible studies and sermons that fit the current state I am in . . . as much as I do feel sorry for myself, I am grateful that God cares enough about me to work so hard on my heart.

Over the weekend I watched one of my favorite movies: Facing the Giants. Such a great message (I think I've blogged about it before) and makes me cry (of course!). I downloaded one of the songs from the movie and its words have impacted me so much. I'll share them with you today:

Time after time you've been left behind
Like the sun when it's starting to rain
Time after time you've been forgotten
Like a picture that's faded with age
Time after time you ran after me
When I was still running away

You never give up on me
No, you never give up on me
Though I'm weak you are strong
You told me I still belong
No, you never, never give up on me

Time after time I've used your grace
As a way to do what I please
I've taken for granted prayers that you answered
Never been all I could be
You are holding out your hands
And now I clearly see

Chorus

You always erase all my mistakes
You lift me up when I'm down
Through all the ages, your love never changes
You welcome me just as I am

Chorus

~You Never Give Up on Me by Josh Bates