hugs

I feel like I could've written on my blog all weekend because I have so much on my mind. Number one, I'm going to embrace my alone time and not have pity on myself.

This afternoon I watched the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants . . . one of my favorite movies. I relate so much to the character of Carmen in the movie. Her parents divorced when she was young. As a teenager she goes to spend the summer with her dad to find out he has a new family that she does not fit into at all. Needless to say she does not react to the situation very well due to selfish and hurt feelings . . . many of which I have felt much of my life. She finally decides to attend her dad's wedding with the support of her 3 best friends. When he realizes her attendance they share a wonderful embrace where she is sobbing into his chest and forgiving each other for so much in that one moment.

I am such a hugging person and that one moment makes me cry every time I see it. I do not have very many people I have or can share that kind of embrace with, but am finding that's something I'm truly longing for in my life right now. I moved to Grand Rapids to be near my dear friends that I love so dearly and to pursue my coaching passions. The only downside was leaving my family behind in Indiana. All my friends have their family nearby so when they get to spend time with them I, unfortunately, am alone. It's the people I left that I can have those sorts of embraces with and even though they drive me nuts most of the time I am missing them dearly. One particular member of my "family," my high school coach who is more like a father to me than anything. He is that one person whose hugs make me feel so safe and so loved. That's something I'm desperately longing to feel right now. I knew I was giving some things up when I moved here and I'm hoping all that I gained can keep me filled up. The nice thing is that times at home are that much sweeter. Hopefully one of these days I can have someone there and here that I can share that kind of embrace with.

On a side note . . . sometimes I wish I was a better blog writer. I don't always know how to end things and it seems more like rambling, but just needed to get some of these thoughts out of my head . . . as I mentioned there's not really anyone to tell them to.

things I'm excited about . . .

Spring fever is in full swing and I love it! So many exciting things are happening . . . I'm trying not to look too far into the future and just enjoy each moment, but it's hard not to. Even the plants are getting excited . . . they are all popping their heads out of our garden. Here's my list of excitement . . .

- Running: I'm actually enjoying my race training this go around. Granted I'm not past 7 miles yet, but so far so good. This week for my fast week. Today I did 3.5 miles in under 32 minutes and felt great about that. AND I got a new running top, which is always exciting. Watch out Megan Marathon 2010!

- DU Volleyball: I'm loving practices with the team so far. They are soaking everything in like sponges and I see so much potential. I love all the support to. It makes me a little nervous, but mostly excited for what's to come.

- Traveling: So many trips are on my docket for the rest of the year and I just love exploring different places. This month is Texas for my birthday. In June I'll be in Florida for 8 days for volleyball and I get to go to Disney World. June is also Mother/Daughter weekend at Karen's cottage (we've been planning that since last summer). July is NYC for my mom's 50th. I'm hoping to attend the AVCA convention this year in Kansas City, which is within driving distance of Kansas & Nebraska, which I could check off my list. Then the year will be capped off in Vegas. Oh man . . . so exciting!

- House Projects: Once the rest of our tax credit comes we will be finishing our bathroom, which I can just picture in my head. Trust me it'll be great. Then we're putting a deck on the back and hoping making my window into a door that leads out to it. Then I'm going to have the vegetable garden I have always wanted. I can almost taste those yummy veggies.

That's probably enough looking into the future for now. For right now I'm excited for a nap! :)

sunshine

As I lay on my couch right now the sun is shining on my face and warming up my body. Isn't it amazing how Vitamin D can boost our spirits no matter what is going on?

One of my best friends, Rachel, who is pregnant (!), came to visit us for a few days and we have gotten to hang out this whole day. Just be lazy, went shopping, went to a movie, and are now relaxing again. The movie we saw was at the cheap seated called "To Save a Life." I'm pretty sure part of it was filmed near my home town in Warsaw and I have wanted to see it, but had forgotten about it. Rachel brought it up so we went and were not disappointed. It is a Christian based movie about stepping out of your comfort zone to make a different in someone's life. It was moving and I would recommend it to anyone. Reiterates the message that God is at his greatest when we are at our lowest.

On a side note, I've been struggling lately with guilt about enjoy times of rest and relaxation. Today it was physically hard to not think about work or my emails during the 2 hours we were at the movie. And even now I am on my computer even when I should be doing nothing. I'm trying to stay away from my laptop and just do nothing sometimes and not feel guilty. I work hard and I deserve to do nothing sometimes darn it! There's my rant and now I'm off to do nothing! :)

self-pity

I have to say it . . . I am lonely! For the last few weeks and months there has been something different in the air. It's called change and most of it is happening with my friends. Unfortunately, I only have like 5 friends (all of whom I love dearly), but I'm realizing when their lives change and take them different directions I am left without anyone to hang out with. So far I have yet to do anything about it. Sometimes I think I just sit at home and wait so that when they are ready and able to hang out I will be available because I do get my feelings hurt when they are never available to hang out. Yes, I know this sounds a little childish and selfish . . . something I am constantly struggling with, but this is my blog and my chance to express these feelings, right?

Well, here's what I've decided . . . to do something about it! We have been reading a book in my small group called "Lady in Waiting." It talks a lot about taking advantage of our singleness to drawer nearer to God and be fully devoted to Him. I think I am taking advantage of my time and improving my spiritual walk, but I'm not taking advantage of this time to meet new people and put myself out there. I'm going to start looking for more ways to do that . . . asking new people to hang out, maybe try some online dating again, who knows, but I can't go on like this. It's not their fault they are busy or going in different directions, but I don't have to just sit at home alone. So, in the words of Josie from Never Been Kissed, I'm going to grab the bull's balls and just go live life. I've got nothing to lose, right?

scary moment

So I thought today was just another normal day and tonight another normal practice with my club team. I should've know better as the texts & calls started to come in. Usually when there's one, there are more to follow. First, "do we still have practice?" Second, "I'll probably be late." Third, "I'm sick and can't make it." Fourth, "My back is feeling sore so I might be a little off tonight." Fifth, "Paige was just in an accident." That's when things started to get a little scary.

We didn't get a lot of snow, but it came at just the right time to make traveling treacherous. One of my players was coming to practice with her mom when they lost control of their vehicle. As they were spinning on the highway, they were clipped by a semi and were spun again only to be hit by another car that simply knocked them into the ditch and stopped the car. Amazingly, the semi clipped the back end of the car and no one was injured. Paige called one of the other girls to let her know what had happened and was in absolute panic. She still made it to practice, which was probably a good distraction for her because it took her mind off of things. I didn't find out the details of the accident until later in practice and I could barely listen. I couldn't help but think if the semi had hit just a second later or earlier what could've happened. I know God wouldn't give me anything I couldn't handle, but if I ever have to go through losing a player again I know my spirit would be shaken. I don't know why he allowed them to walk away from that crash, but I know that God is the reason the did and I am so grateful. Thank you father.

hormones

We know we have them, but we try to deny their existence at all costs. Sunday they were swarming inside of me with such a vengence. It had nothing to do with Valentine's Day . . . that honestly has no effect on me. Instead I was at a volleyball tournament all weekend with my Krazy Kermits. They are so fun, but were playing in the open division, which was probably over our heads a little bit. They started out playing hard despite losing to better teams, but then Sunday came and we continued to lose . . . this time not playing as hard. We worked through it, but I knew it was going to be a long day. We started at 8 a.m., reffed, lost, reffed, lost, reffed. Then had to wait around to play at 3 p.m., which didn't happen till 4:30ish, lost, reffed, and played our last match of the tournament . . . and WE WON! The whole day, though, I just couldn't stop my tears. I knew it wasn't a big deal, I didn't really care that we were losing, I was sad for the girls, but I would just be sitting watching a team and the tears would come. Same thing after we finally won. I just don't understand the effect the hormones have on us and just how they can be that powerful.

Lately, I've been struggling with overeating and tend to blame it on my hormones, but know they can't be doing that every day of the month. It's really frustrating because I'm supposed to help others with this issue, but I can't help myself. With today being FaT Tuesday, I'm going to prayerfully consider something to give up for lent today. I'm thinking dessert would be a good, tough option.

Lastly, I miss my roommate! God, heal Karen quickly and bring her back to the Ganderson where she belongs!

joy

It's nice to be able to write some happy posts for a change. Sunday was a crazy day, but things fell into place for me to get to church in between volleyball commitments. It felt so good to be able to sing to the Lord with a truly grateful heart. Sad to say it's been a while since I've felt that way. I still cried, which happens almost every Sunday I get to go to church, but they were happy tears. What a great weekend of celebration over God's amazing gift to me. I'm still hopeful that I would be responding with joy about God's sovereignty if I would've had to wait longer for a fantastic opportunity like this, but it's hard to say.

I meet the team for the first time tomorrow and am a little nervous about it, but am determined to cover them in prayer and ask that He guides my every step. It'll be hard to be in a secular environment, but I'm excited for those one-on-one moments where they'll be able to see my faith and hopefully want to hear more about it. I think tomorrow is when things will really start to sink in. Ahh, I'm just so excited to have something that I can be excited about and pour my whole self into. Dreaming is scary, but it does pay off. I'm ready for the journey ahead even though I know that it's not going to be easy. Anywho, here we go . . . GO PANTHERS!