how does the story end?

I know I shouldn't read Karen's blog before I write my own because she quoted the same song! :) Oh well . . . it's one that speaks right to my heart.

Back to the beginning . . . I have been running like a mad woman this week. Not for any race, but away from God. I got a very sad answer to a huge prayer of mine at the beginning of the week. I grieve for a short time and then just started running. I did not get into the word, did not pray that much, and just tried to avoid the feeling of my broken heart. Then at church this morning, I realized just how badly my heart hurts and how hard it was to sing praises to my God. Then I just got angry at myself because I was having trouble worshipping because God didn't give me what I want. Really? That's not what God is there for and not why we should praise him. He is an incredible God who deserves incredible praise . . . words I could not muster out of my mouth this morning.

So, needless to say I'm trying to figure out how I feel and muster up the courage to continue to have faith in God and his knowledge of how my story ends. It's like the pages in the book of my life are glued together, which is probably a good thing because I need to treasure this part of the story and not pass up the opportunity to foster relationships and spread the love of Jesus to others. Oh praise the Lord for his incredible mercy because I need it so much.

I guess I'm going to start praying for God to give me a new dream, which is really scary because my current dream did not come through. Here's to hoping that God will put something in my heart that I can pursue and have a new passion for. I know He's looking out for me and I love him for loving me.

P.S. The song I mentioned is by Francesca Battistelli who I get to see in concert on Tuesday. :)

who would've thought???

I tend to live with the belief that bad things won't happen to me. This was enforced when our friend who lives 4 blocks away had her house broken into. The thought never crossed my mind that it could happen to us . . . well it did! While I was on vacation and Karen was at her parents our house was broken into . . . ugh! They first tried to get in through my room, but were unsuccessful after ripping both screens. They then proceded to attempt through Karen's room and this time got in despite the locks we had on the windows. They stole a number of items, including our TV, Wii, iPods, camera, and jewelry among other miscellaneous items. After living through this week with our normal "stuff," I am realizing that all they really took was just stuff that we can live without. Don't get me wrong, we're going to buy new things soon, but the robbery was more about these people violating our home. To know that complete strangers were rummaging through our personal belongings just sickens me. I have been encouraged by the fact that our burglars were probably quite young and extremely stupid. They took my old jewelry that I never wear and left our TV remote. Needless to say I hope this never happens again, but I'm kind of looking forward to some good shopping to replace our things.

divine providence

I went out on a limb and joined a Beth Moore bible study at church this fall. Despite being the only non-mom in the group I am loving it. Everyone said I would and they were right. We are studying the book of Esther and it has been amazing how the themes from that book are lining up with my life. One of the major themes in the book is divine providence . . . the most famous verse "Who knows but that you were put in this place for such a time as this?" It is making me question so much about my own life and God's divine providence for my future, which I'm still praying about everyday. I won't go into all of that now, but it's just been so cool to look back on life and see God's amazing timing in my life and to see him continue to put me in situations where I can apply His word that I'm studying at the moment. He is so good!

homecoming

Now that I live in Michigan it's a little harder for me to get home for various events. This weekend I had kept free because I was hoping my high school volleyball team would make it to the state finals. They did indeed make it to the final four and won their morning match and finished as State Runners-Up. I was so proud to witness the accomplishment!

Going home is always a little awkward, but I got to visit with some great people. I did, however, have to answer the "So are you dating anyone?" question a few times, though, which is always annoying. Most people are great about it and understand that it's just not the right time for me and that it's okay to enjoy single time while it's here. One person, though, made me feel like crap for not being married. Really? Not everyone finds their soulmate in high school, gets married and starts having babies right away. If that works for you, great, but don't make someone else feel bad for living a different life. Ugh, it just turned me off and put me in a sour mood. Luckily, as I was doing my bible study tonight I was reminded that God is watching over the ticking clock above me. He is in complete control. It'll happen when it happens. In the meantime I'm going to enjoy my current life circumstances and work on loving God and others with all I have and focusing on things above . . . something I'm finding hard to do as I work on my Christmas list.

here we go

About 2 months ago I made a commitment to get my health and fitness back on track after my "fat summer." I take this whole concept kind of seriously given my profession, but have also been trying to overcome some of my bad eating habits that I have dealt with most of my life. Basically I like food, but there are days and moments where it goes to the extreme and I can't stop eating.

Anywho, I had a great 3 weeks of working out and eating well. Then I got sick and tried to stay on track with working out, but all of my bad eating habits started rearing their ugly head. I did get to the point where I lost 5 pounds, but after our housewarming party last weekend gained 3 of them back. I doubt I'll get back on the scale this week after all the Halloween candy I ate this weekend.

These goals that I have set for myself are not about being skinny or beautiful because I know that I am beautiful. It's more about being healthy and fit and quicker and having control over my actions. I was empowered by a verse last week in my Beth Moore bible study on Esther. It's Deuteronomy 33:25 and is a prayer that God will make my gates as strong as iron and bronze and that my strength might last all of my days. I cannot fight this battle on my own . . . but with God's strength and power I just might be able to overcome these temptations that lie ahead of me. Halloween was already a disaster with Thanksgiving & Christmas right around the corner. Like I said I AM trying to lose some pounds, but not to be happier. I want to prove I can do it because I try to help others do it everyday. So Monday is a new start and I will follow the same guidelines I give to my clients . . . take it one meal, one day at a time. Here goes nothing . . .

mountain tops

Last week we discussed in our small group the moments in our life when we "got it." By got it, we were talking about God's crazy love for us. I had been able to think about this for a few weeks and came to the realization that God has shown me this concept a number of times . . . don't know if I'm just dense or if that's normal for one's spiritual walk to be a continual flow of mountain top experiences. With each one . . . I get it a little more and my love for Jesus just increases. It was fun, though, to think back on these experiences and to express my gratitude to God for his amazing gift of his son Jesus.

*Numerous summers at Quaker Haven church camp where I experienced real Christian fellowship and God answered a prayer of mine for the first time.

*Experiencing true worship for the first time at the Aquire the Fire conference in high school.

*The Shane & Shane concert at Cornerstone my freshmen year when God showed up in a big way . . . impromptu worship like that was very new for me, but so incredible!

*A hike in South Africa meditating on Jesus' command to get out of the boat . . . another impromptu moment, which was huge for our group.

Reflecting on my spiritual journey is an awesome experience for me. My memory is fairly good, but long-term is not as strong. All of these memories are not always prevalent, but when I take the time to reflect and let God bring these experiences to me . . . it just fills my heart with gratitude for those times when God gave me a swift kick in the butt and said don't you get it . . . I love YOU! And he does and I feel it everyday. I'm grateful for this time of learning how to better love him back with my whole heart!

quick words

The craziness of life is upon me, but even in the midst of work, prep for housewarming, and club vb starting God has been speaking so loudly and clearly to me. I am so grateful for what he is doing in my life . . . the thing that is frustrating is that I don't have enough time to just sit and reflect on his words. I wanted to note a few quick reflections that I hope to expand on soon.

*I'm working on balancing a healthy fear of God with returning his unconditional love for me.

*I want to speak/respond to God like I would a friend and I want to respond to my friends like that . . . not just sharing about me even though that's all I want sometimes and no one asks.

*God's love for us is so incredibly awesome . . . and he wants us to love him in the same way . . . WOW!

*When I look at my to do list I find myself constantly saying "I can do this." I cannot do anything, though, God is in control of all things . . . not me.

*We cannot run from our history, it will forever be connected to our destiny. This is a hard one I am working through.

Ahhh, there's so much more. I'm just grateful that God wants to talk to me and wants my reciprocal love and has blessed me with incredible friends. Life is terribly hard at time, but God is good ALL THE TIME!