long time no write

It's been almost two weeks since I have divulged my inner most thoughts on this thing called a blog. I've actually been without my laptop for almost 14 days. I took it to the Geek Squad at Best Buy to get a check up because it was covered under my service plan and I was going to be on vacation anyway. Well, they are so slow and when they found out that I had a virus they wanted $140 to fix it. I went in there last night and said I want my computer and I'm not giving you any money . . . so mad! I hate being a witch about stuff like that, but come on people, that was ridiculous.

Being without my computer was a good thing. I did check my email a little while I was gone on vacation, but did not respond and went almost 7 days without facebook . . . it was a good feeling. My vacation did not go exactly how I would've liked, but it was still okay. I envisioned just driving to the beach for a couple of full sun days, but no one else had that plan. It was nice to catch up with my family in Florida. Their lives are both different and the same . . . I wanted to ask them if they thought I was different since they last saw me. Sometimes I thought they still saw me as their little cousin. Oh well . . . I got to feel the Florida sun! :) I did get to spend some good time reflecting on God's word and writing in my journal. I'm always grateful for those quite moments and the ability to feel God's presence.

I had more family time over Easter . . . what can I say? My family is crazy! Specifically my brother. He shows up after we have all eaten a great lunch prepared mostly by my Grandma who works took hard for all of us. They had stopped at McDonalds on the way because their kids do not eat regular food. They proceed to fill their plates, but I'm pretty sure the SIL didn't like anything except the green bean casserole, which she finally tried after years of assuming she wouldn't like it . . . who doesn't like green bean casserole?! Then they proceeded to get the boys cups of Coke (yes, regular coke . . . do you know how much sugar is in coke?). And they wonder why the children are unmanageable at times. Then they asked if Levi could have a head start in the Easter Egg hunt. Nevermind that Aaron was helping him anyway. What are they teaching this kid? He's going to expect everything to be handed to him for the rest of his life. I pity any coach or teacher he ever has because it's going to be impossible to teach him discipline or humility. Then they left 2 hours later . . . nice visit . . . neither Aaron of his wife said two words to me. Whatever. Is it bad that I only want to get married and have kids so I can show them that even though it is hard to be a spouse and parent is hard, you can do it without taking advantage of everyone around you and disrespecting everyone else?

Life is getting back to the grind. I'm starting my new schedule at work, which I think should be okay. I will never like closing on Tuesdays b/c I have to miss a great night of TV, but TV is not everything . . . I will survive. Spring is always a wonderful time of year that I love. It has always meant change, even more so when I was working in a school setting. This year will be a little different, but it's still a fun time. As soon as I get over this cold, I plan to enjoy it even more. Whew . . . that's the update from me sitting in my bed on this dreary day.

perfectionism

I believe perfectionism should be classified as a mental disorder. It can really cause damage to a person's psyche. I admit that I suffer from this. I want to be the best at whatever I do mainly because I believe I can be and why not pursue what you know you are capable of. There are a few negative effects of perfectionism, though. For starters you can cause yourself a lot of stress in the process. You also cut yourself off from other things that might distract you from your task at hand.

As I've gotten older, I have definitely improved in this area of trying to be perfect at every little thing. The area I struggle with the most now is being perfect in life. Trying to make every perfect decision and following God's plan for my life perfectly. This is not a good decision, it goes against the freedom that God has granted us.

The whole reason these ideas are on my mind is because of some late-night tv channel flipping. I hate watching commercials and like scanning all the channels. It drives others crazy, but I often find things I would never see. Some nights I stop on the school board meeting or get caught watching HSN or QVC. One night I stopped on one of the Christian channels and a woman (unsure of who she is) was leading a lesson with a small group of women. She was talking about being perfect. God has given us gifts, but He has never called us to be perfect at using our gifts. If that is what we are pursuing we will fall every time. It's okay to be good.

How hard is that for you to say? It's hard for me sometimes, but the times I can get that to sink in my head I am so much happier. Others aren't annoyed by my desire to be perfect, which is good, and I am not stressed out if things are perfect. A constant reminder - It's okay to be good.

See my channel flipping actually did some good! :)

seriously?

So this being my birthday week and all, I was planning on a fabulous week. The to do list was getting smaller and I was feeling good about my job and life was good . . . then it seemed like the wheels fell off. I am usually the optimistic person in life. I'm the one always telling people that it's going to be okay and that God is in control and blah, blah, blah. For some reason over the last 24 hours I cannot get those thoughts to seek in for me. The Y is cutting back significant hours and I have no idea how I will be affected. Not the best time because the class I was teaching is wrapping up and I'm going on vacation at the end of next week. Also, I have a player quitting my team and just refuses to communicate with me. I honestly am over it, but feel like the girls are getting hurt by her decision. Then today at work when emotions were running high, I said something that made someone mad. I apologized, but could tell they were still mad about it. I hate when that happens because I know I was in the wrong, but can't get past it. All these things are usually things that I can handle without problem, but I guess I just reached a breaking point pretending that my life is fine. It is fine, but maybe not as stable as I woud like. I KNOW things will work out and be okay and that God is just preparing me for things ahead, but it's just not sinking in!

I have been going to God with my frustrations and trying to give it up to him. He has answered my prayers in interesting ways today. I actually did my devotions before work this morning (at 4:45 a.m.) and it included Isaiah 40:28-31, which always renews my spirit. Then when I checked my email, I got a facebook message that someone I haven't talked to since college prayed for me last night. Then I got messages from two great friends supporting me today. Then as I left work, a co-worker encouraged me and reminding me that I will be fine. It was almost too much encouragement to handle, but definitely God speaking to me. It would be so easy for me to avoid everyone who cares about me and wallow in self-pity, but I'm not going to. I will enjoy my birthday and not tell myself that I am old even though I feel that way.

"Do you not know?

Have you not heard?

The LORD is the everlasting God,

the Creator of the ends of the earth.

He will not grow tired or weary,

and his understanding no one can fathom.
He gives strength to the weary

and increases the power of the weak.
Even youths grow tired and weary,

and young men stumble and fall;
but those who hope in the LORD

will renew their strength.

They will soar on wings like eagles;

they will run and not grow weary,

they will walk and not be faint." - Isaiah 40:28-31

emotional tv viewer

Going on little sleep and a slightly frustrated attitude, I laid in bed watching Grey's Anatomy and Private Practice last night. Grey's Anatomy, especially, just pulled at my heart strings last night. I know that Izzy is a tv show character, but this story about her cancer just got me. How often do we just pull away from all the people who love us when we really need them the most. We can be afraid to ask for help when we need it. I know if anyone I loved had a medical issue, I would be there in a heartbeat to support them, pray for them, and just love them. I would be so hurt if someone tried to go through an event like that by themselves without asking for help or at least allowing themselves to be open to help. I don't know if I was putting myself in her position or someone I loved, but it was still hard to watch. I hope none of us ever have to go through that, but with the prevelancy of cancer it is inevitable. May God protect us.

feeling old

This weekend I rode with a player from my team and her mom. It worked out great and they were terrific traveling partners. On the way home, the mom was driving and listening to radio stations playing old country songs. When I realized that I was singing to most of the songs, it occurred to me that I must be old, too! With my 27th birthday right around the corner and my metabolism slowly down a little bit . . . I'm starting to feel the affects of age. I know I am not "old," but I am certainly not young anymore. I don't want to be someone who lies about their age or gets so depressed about their age, but it is hard not to think about it. I won't even mention how it is made worse by constant comments about finding a husband.

Last night at small group we talked about the fact that God has created us for one purpose - to magnify his name. I get so caught up in finding my purpose in life and know which direction to take, etc. that I pass by the here and now moments. I don't want the day to come when I am 40 and all I can do is remark about how fast time has flown. I want to soak in every moment of every year and live it to the fullest!

perspective

I am just amazed by how God uses so many unique situations in our lives to teach us things and open our eyes to different things. I'm coaching my team at a tournament in Wisconsin this weekend. We are short a player and have another player joining us from another team, so it's not our normal line-up. Our team is kind of in the middle of the elite teams and the crappy teams. We kill the crappy teams, but when we play the tougher ones we don't look very confident and by the team we remember how to play it's too late to pull out the win. Maybe I should challenge them more and just play tough teams all the time, but it's a toss up. I am pretty tough on them and challenge them to get out of their comfort zone and to work on their mental toughness. I was very frustrated with them after a match we lost which knocked us down to bronze because we didn't decide to play until it was too late. I sulked for a short time then started to get some perspective. I was chatting with one of the moms and she was commenting how one of my players reminded her of a player I coached with her older daughter. They are both named Emily, their hair is similar, and they share strong passion for the game and are both extremely nice and thoughtful. Unfortunately the older Emily died after a car accident a few months after our season ended. It brought back a lot of great memories all while making me a little sad . . . needless to say I was crying a little. We were talking about some of the fun times that group had (which were many). It was a great reminder that what we do is so much more than wins and losses. I got to sit down with my team and remind them that I love them and why I push them so hard. They actually thanked me for pushing them so hard because they know they need it. It was just great to be reaffirmed. They are such a great group, not the most athletic, but such good hearts. I know all my hard work is going to pay off.

I do miss Emily a lot at tournaments like this. She loved everywhere we traveled and always had a great time. She taught me so much about joy and passion and she is always near to my heart. I promised her family to carry her spirit on to all the teams I ever coach. I pray that God opens up opportunities to share her story with them. I also pray that God continues to watch over my team and help them grow and mature in a positive way. I'm so grateful for what I get to do. I don't ever want to take it for granted or complain about the time it takes.

baby shower

Today was such a joy! Al's baby shower was today and it went very well. I absolutely loved planning it for her and it was great to have so many people who love Al in one place. She doesn't always do well in the spotlight (unless she's playing volleyball), but no one could've noticed. When I get the chance to do events like this I can practice my patience and flexibility. I definitely do like to be in control of all situations, but God has taught me so much about that over the last few years. Our trip to South Africa was a huge factor. I work really hard at just going with the flow (I know you should work to do that) and not getting stressed out about little things. In that regard today was a huge success and I think everyone enjoyed themselves.

Sometimes it still is hard to see my friends experiencing these great milestones like getting married or having babies, but I continue to look at my life and know that God is in control. I just bask in their joy and am sincerely full of joy for them and their experiences. I'm so glad for friends that let me be a part of those things. People like Brittany and Al are so open about things and I know all that I learn from them will help when it's my turn. I tend to get caught up with age, but that's not how life works. There's no rhyme or reason with age, just God's timing.

Anywho, what a blast. Now I just want to meet the little guy and start loving on him!