a new beginning

I have decided to go a different route with my blogging. I was missing it so much and had to come up with something. If you would like to follow me you can do so at gratefulgarner@blogspot.com.

MIA

For the few of you who actually read my blog you may have wondered if I'm still alive and kicking . . . well, indeed I am. For much of the summer I have intentionally avoided this thing questioning why I really have it and wondering if it's good for me. To be honest about 90% of the time if the my only form of sharing what I'm actually feeling. I kind of got sick of having to spill my guts on the computer to my virtual friends instead of people really being interested in my life or having people share their life with me in person. So I said enough is enough . . . I'm boycotting. I know I can be a bit childish at times and this is a prime example. I don't have a ton to say . . . I don't process life too much these days. It's actually kind of depressing as I've tried to really lower my expectations in life to avoid a lot of hurt I've had the last several months. I'm transitioning into a very bittersweet time. I'm starting my first regular season with my DU team and I am so excited. They are already teaching me a lot and I see a great purpose for me being there. However, I know that they are really some of the only human interaction I am going to have for the next several months. It won't be much different than my life now, but I'm just unsure how much longer I can live this way. I won't go into a pitty party for my lonliness right now, but I can just see those times ahead. It would be so great to have someone to share the great stories I forsee, but currently there really isn't anyone I feel great about sharing things with. Hopefully things can turn around in my mind and my heart . . . only God can move mountains and I feel like there's one sitting right on my chest.

plate spinner

It feels like everywhere I turn everyone keeps asking how I'm doing . . . usually my answer is fine followed by I'm just trying to juggle everything. Most days I feel like someone spinning about 10 plates and I have to constantly work to keep them all spinning. I am so ready to just throw a bunch of them out of the window because my life is exhausting!

This last week and weekend was pretty much the epitome of my life right now. I ran from the Y to DU to FaR Out to the house to bible study to counseling and who knows what else. This weekend we had the AAU State Tournament in town, which I was really excited about because I felt like it was going to be a great weekend for my team. I went from coaching them Saturday morning to recruiting in the afternoon to helping set up to host courts on Sunday at Davenport to an open house. I finally got home around 9:15 after sitting for about an hour all day. I was so excited for a full night's sleep because I had to get up at 6 a.m. the next day. I was snuggling in and falling asleep when I heard a loud boom and our power went out. I looked out the window to find that part of our neighbor's dead tree had fallen onto our front porch knocking down all of our power lines and messing up the front porch. I was so hysterical because I was so exhausted. I got very little sleep due to the adrenaline and the power company coming at 1:30 a.m.

The next day I was back in the gym. My team had a rough start, but rebounding well. We pulled out some close wins and ended up finishing 2nd overall . . . it was pretty awesome! The sad thing was I wasn't able to fully enjoy it because I was still running around recruiting, I could barely stay awake, and I had a 2 hour mandatory meeting at the Y. I'll be the first one to say that I like being busy, but this is getting ridiculous. I'm hopeful for the day when I can put all of my energy into one thing and make it great. Hopefully God will provide so that will happen.

my best

So this club season is almost over and it has not been an easy one. Usually this is my favorite time of year, but this spring with my new job at DU I definitely was biting off more than I could chew. Unfortunately because of this my girls have not gotten my best . . . that is a really large pill to swallow for me. We got off to a great start, but quickly were off different pages. I was pushing them to be great and to be quite frank they are not great. This led to a lot of frustration on both parts. They didn't always trust that my motivation was sincere and that really hurt me. I'm just accepting that they are okay with being okay and trying to be more encouraging and positive with them. We have 3 tournaments left and I just really want to finish on a positive note. I'm off for the 1st of 3 and am looking forward to a great weekend.

living proof

I went to the Living Proof event here in GR this weekend. Beth Moore was the keynote speaker and the worship/praise team leader was Travis Cottrell. I have been so excited for this for a while. I did my first Beth Moore bible study this year and it really changed my life so I knew hearing her in person would be awesome. It's like God is speaking right through just to you, but also to everyone other person around you. This weekend there were 7300 women hearing straight from God . . . it was an amazing sight!

Friday night started off a little rough because I couldn't find anyone I knew, but God brought someone to sit with me and I really overcame a lot of emotions to get through that first session and not be distracted by feeling lonely. First of all the music was amazing! Beth's message came straight from the story about Zacchaeus in Luke 19 and had a metaphor of trees. I'm not going to go into a ton of detail here, but Friday night God was really hitting me hard. We learn right in the beginning of Genesis that people were created to rule over the Earth and that it is just our nature to be in control (um, hello?). However, on the flipside each one of us has such a desire to be mastered. This is honestly one of the biggest things I have been struggling with lately because I so desperately want to give up control of my life, but I keep looking for people to do it, but they are not very reliable. These other people or things can turn into the rulers of our life and they always fail. God is the only true king!

Saturday morning I was excited to get back for day two. I hooked up with a lady from my bible study whom I loved very much. She had come with some of her family, including her two daughters. I was sitting alone and then she texted me 10 minutes before the start. I was so glad! Beth spoke a lot about the fruit that we bear, which was very impactful. We had a short break during which I started to debrief in my journal a little bit. I was writing about how I feel as those the hurts I've had in my life have really become my master and until I have complete healing from those things I am not going to be able to bear good fruit. Wouldn't you know it that Beth concluded the conference talking about true healing. It was an incredible finish and I just feel so blessed to have gone to this conference. I'm hoping to really take some time this week and next to study what she talked about some more and make some big steps forward. If you every have the opportunity to do one of her bible studies or hear her in person - DO IT! But be prepared to have your life changed!

breaking through

I have always been inspired by this phrase and feel like it describes a lot of my life. For many, many years I have been trying to break through circumstances, challenges, and obstacles. Recently, it turned into a little bit of running away instead of breaking through. By the grace of God, I am doing something I should've done some 20 years ago and I honestly believe I may actually break through some things for real and take some huge steps of growth.

So, what am I doing? I have decided to start seeing a counselor. I really like her. She is a Christian and I think she is really going to challenge me. I know it's going to be hard, but I also know I need to do this . . . I've needed to do this for a long time. I probably won't talk about it a lot, but if you want to check in just ask. That's mainly what I'm looking for anyway is more emotional stability and the ability to build better relationships with others.

On a side note . . . I've also been breaking through a lot of ground at our house. I am loving gardening and our house looks so good. I can't wait to have visitors over all summer long (at least when I'm home) and enjoy it.

megathon completed!

Whew! I am such a big believer in visualization and I can honestly say that this day was a hard one to visualize. I actually ran two 1/2 marathons in 2 weeks and in pretty good time if I do say so myself. Here's a rundown of the event on Saturday.

My team's hotel was on the east side so I had about a 15 minute drive downtown in the morning. I got up at 5 to get ready and eat some breakfast. Luckily they had oatmeal and bananas and I even got a hard boiled egg! :) I didn't have any problem making it to IUPUI to park and got a sweet spot about a block from the finish line for free! I read a book for a little while to waste some time before heading to the start area. We didn't have to be in our corrals until 7. The biggest struggle of the morning was what to wear. It was cold and windy and I couldn't stand out side for an hour in a tank top. So I kept my longsleeve on and decided to keep it on. The crowds started to come and come and come. It's really hard to imagine 35,000 people lined up for a race! I had a good warm-up and made it to corral L. I thought for sure I'd see someone I knew and sure enough I did. Katy McClure and I grew up in the same church and did 4-H together and she was in my corral! Very cool.

Finally it was time to start. It only took me 10 minutes to get to the start line and then we took off. My first mile was slow, which I wanted, but it was really slow. My competitiveness took over and I started to pick it up and got my race up to about 9:30. There was lots of live music and it was just an enjoyable time. Getting to the speedway was so cool! If you've never been there it's hard to imagine how big it is, but it's huge! I felt like a VIP getting to go inside. I was starting to get warm so I decided to switch my bib to my tank and take off the long sleeves. That distracted me for a while on the 2.5 mile loop. When we exited IMS we were already at 8.6 miles. I was definitely more tired than the Nashville run, but managed to push on even though my pace was slowing a little. If I maintained a 10 min pace I would be at about the same time. I decided to pick it up for the last 1.5 miles and managed to finish at 2:06.50. I was very happy with that! After getting my snacks, I went to the reunion area and waiting for my mom and grandma. It took a while, but they found me. My grandma was so proud, which made me feel good. It was so cold and windy still, though. We decided to head to lunch, which very nice to visit with everyone. Eating was good too - I got to have sweet potato fries!

Overall, I'm very glad I set this goal and accomplished it. My body will be glad to be done, though. Here's to more items getting checked off the bucket list and hopefully encouraging you to do the same!